#278: Are You Listening? (Friday, April 27)

"You have two ears and one mouth; use them in that proportion."

Have you ever had to repeat yourself multiple times when speaking to someone? Do you get the feeling that sometimes the people around you aren't paying attention? As a followup to last week's Good Friday entry and based upon a personal branding seminar I attended this week, I decided to further explore the topic of listening.

In the seminar we were asked to develop our personal brands using a combination of our skills/talents and our accomplishments. I put listening as the core part of my personal brand, because I couldn't be an effective marketer or writer without listening. Plus, I think I do it quite well. :)

But communication is essential to every day life, so it's important to know how to do it well. No one wants to have a conversation or confide in someone who isn't listening. Here are some tips on how to listen well

• Pay attention. Stop what you're doing and make eye contact with the person speaking. If you are in the middle of something, ask the speaker to wait until you're finished so you can give him/her your full attention.
• Give cues that you're listening. Use nonverbal communication such as your body language (leaning in, nodding) and facial expressions, or intermittent verbal responses.
• Don't interrupt, unless you are asking for clarification on something the speaker said.
• Reserve judgement until the speaker is finished. It may be difficult, especially if the speaker is making statements you don't agree with, but you can't listen and formulate an argument at the same time.

#277: Girl, Interrupted (Friday, April 20)

"Good manners are based on kindness and respect, which transcend etiquette. In every human situation there is the correct action, the incorrect action and the appropriate action...A person's feelings is always more important." - The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette, 3rd Edition

According to The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette, “interrupting is the most common and among the most irritating errors people make in conversation.” I detest being interrupted, especially when it's consistent; it's one of my pet peeves. I've also found that those who constantly interrupt also have difficulty listening, and many aren't even conscious that they're interrupting. But that doesn't make it right, so how do you handle a Constant Interrupter graciously?

• Some etiquette experts will tell you to continue where you left off and just speak louder, but I think playing "tit for tat" is childish. Plus it takes too much energy to talk over someone. 
• Others recommend shaming the interrupter with a pointed question such as "Did you just interrupt me?" which they would have to acknowledge and then yield. But I think that's unkind.
• I will generally just tune out of the conversation; I stop listening and stop participating. But unless the interrupter is very aware (which s/he is probably not), they won't notice anyway and will keep right on talking.

I found these great tips searching the web that I think might work better.

• Politely acknowledge the interruption. "Excuse me, Bill but I wasn't finished. I also wanted to say that..." or "You'll get a chance to respond, just let me finish this one thought before I forget." or "I listened to what you had to say, will you hear me out?"
• Hold your thought. Let the interrupter say their piece, then acknowledge the interruption. "What I was going to say before you spoke was..."
• Have an aside. If someone is constantly interrupting you and you are around them frequently, it may be worth it to pull them aside and address the behavior in a way that doesn't make them defensive. "I feel like you don't care what I have to say..."

Here's to great conversations, free of with less interruptions!

#276: Can I Ask A Favor? (Friday, April 13)

A favor can be a simple, painless task or it can totally destroy a relationship. I've seen many couples, friends and even family members part ways and stop speaking to each other over what was "a simple favor."

As with anything else, there is an etiquette to asking for a favor. Even if it's your very best friend who'd do anything for you, it's still important to be considerate and recognize that even the smallest favors require some effort on the part of another person.

1) Don't ask for favors too often. You don't want to be known as that person.
2) Don't contact someone just to ask for a favor. It's in poor taste and no one wants to feel like they are being used.
3) Do make the request convenient for the person who is doing the favor.
4) Do ask yourself these questions from The Classy Woman blog BEFORE asking for a favor:

(i) Do I really need to ask for this favor or am I just looking for the easy way out?
(ii) Is what I'm going to ask reasonable, fair and ethical?
(iii) If the tables were turned, would I be willing to do the same for this person?
(iv) Will this favor affect anyone else other than myself? Will this put others at a disadvantage in any way?
(iv) If the person I want to ask the favor of agrees, how will this affect our relationship? What about if they don't agree to the favor?

I think these are all great considerations that may prevent you from asking for a favor that may not be worth it.

#275: Let's Eat! (Friday, April 6)

I'm a self-proclaimed foodie and I LOOOVE eating out. It's one of my favorite things to do. But there are a few things that can ruin a dining out experience: poor table manners, obnoxious dinner companions, the division of the bill and just general inconsideration and rudeness. Here are some etiquette tips to remember when dining out:

• Remember your table manners. It may seem so simple but you'd be surprised how many people don't do the basic things. Chew your food, don't speak with your mouth full, don't reach over others' food, use your napkin and don't blow your nose at the table.
• Be a good dinner companion. Don't monopolize the conversation, be kind to the waiters and staff, arrive on time, don't complain excessively and don't rewrite the menu. If you have special dietary needs, you can mention them, but understand that the restaurant may not be able to accommodate them. If you are very late and others have finished eating or on the dessert course, do not order a meal (or do so on a separate check) to be considerate of everyone else's time.
• Paying the bill doesn't have to be a spectacle if you remember the following: 
• It is customary to leave a tip for good service.
• If all parties have had approximately the same amount (within $5-$10), it's customary to split the bill. The bill should not be divided equally if there are guests who have markedly less (i.e. only an appetizer, or someone who doesn't drink when the table orders a bottle of wine).
• If you prefer to pay separately, request a separate check BEFORE dinner.
• If you have been invited out to eat at restaurant that is outside of your budget, it is acceptable to decline the invitation.
• If you have to leave before dinner is over, make sure you have left enough to cover your portion of the bill.
• It is customary to split the cost of the mea of the person celebrating a birthday.

Happy dining!