#287: Compromising vs. Settling (Friday, June 29)

Last week, we talked about a host who compromised his normal behavior to make a guest feel at ease. The situation, in my opinion, was a great illustration of a time when it's ok to compromise your manners and etiquette. But I think there are also times when you should stand your ground and hold true to your values.

For example, I recently received a gift that I thought was extremely exorbitant. I didn't want to accept the gift because it wasn't in line with my personal values. But I was also raised that it's bad manners to refuse a gift. I was in a quandary: if I accepted the gift, it would go against everything I practiced and if I didn't, it would be hurtful and also go against how I was raised.

So what did I do? I accepted the gift only on the condition that it would be considered the giver's property which I could share and use whenever I wanted. A perfect compromise!

#286: Reciprocity: A Reminder (Friday, June 22)

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."


Many of us probably grew up hearing that phrase, but how many of us really practice it in every day life? How many people make a conscious effort to treat everyone with the same respect, consideration and thoughtfulness that they would like for themselves. I stumbled upon an old book called The Party by Sally Quinn, who used to cover the parties for the Washington Post.

In it, she recounts a story of a dinner party where one of the guests, unfamiliar with a finger bowl, put it to his head and drank from it. The host, upon realizing his guest's error, picked up his own finger bowl and drank from it so the guest wouldn't be embarrassed or subject to ridicule.

I thought it was a wonderful reminder, especially since we're coming up on the mid-year mark of our theme. As you go through your day, continually ask yourself, "Am I being empathetic and thoughtful? Am I treating each person I meet the way I would like to be treated?"

It's never too late to start.

#285: Excuses, Excuses (Friday, June 15)

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver


One of the defining characteristics of becoming an adult, at least for me, is accountability. There comes a time when everyone has to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. The person who always has an excuse is the ultimate buzzkill and can put a strain on personal or professional relationships. And it's poor manners.


Socially, no one wants to be around someone who is constantly offering excuses. But excuses can also hurt one's professional reputation. People lose faith in Mr./Miss Excuses; they don't trust that they will get the job done and as a result, they don't get assigned to projects that count.

Yet people still give excuses. In fact there are websites dedicated to giving excuses. Some do it out of embarrassment; others do it out of conceit; some give excuses to avoid hurting other people's feelings; and others do it without even realizing it's a habit. The bottom line though, is that people give excuses because they don't want to admit to something.  Here are some things to consider before giving an excuse:

• Why am I giving an excuse (ego, embarrassment, protecting someone's feelings, I don't know)?
• What will happen if I admit/own up to the issue?
• Is there anything I can do to resolve this situation without giving an excuse?

Think about the situation before you give an excuse.

#284: The Art of Apologizing (Friday, June 8)

"I'm sorry." They are two simple words, but for a lot of people, very difficult to actually say. Here are some tips to help you deliver your apology:

• Only apologize if you mean it. A disingenuous apology is just as bad as not giving one at all.
• Be humble. Avoid the urge to become defensive and justify your behavior when apologizing.
• Don't apologize then continue the behavior that led to the apology. An apology doesn't absolve you of the offensive behavior.
• Understand that the recipient is not obligated to accept your apology. 
• Choose the method of your apology depending on the infraction. You can apologize via email or text for being late; an in-person or phone apology is probably better for more serious offenses to avoid misinterpretation.
• There is no substitute for an apology. Treating someone to dinner or buying 

What if you're on the receiving end of an apology? Well, there's an etiquette for that as well.

• Acknowledge the apology. You don't have to accept the apology, but you should still be gracious.
• If you accept the apology, move on. No one likes to have an offense hung over their head, especially one for which they have apologized.
• Decide on your course of action if you reject the apology. If you reject the apology, do you just need more time or is it a relationship you no longer want to pursue? In addition to an apology, what, if anything else can the person do to make it up to you?

I found this great discussion on accepting an apology if you're interested. And by the way, you should practice saying, "I apologize" rather than "I'm sorry." I'm sure none of us think of ourselves as sorry.

#283: One Moment Can Change A Life (Friday, June 1)

In Good Friday #263, Peanut Butter, I talked about saying "thank you". When someone gives you a great reference or recommendation it is the perfect opportunity for a thank you. Many people diminish the importance of references, but if you think about it one word from a reference can snatch your dream job out of your grasp.

Providing a Reference:
Providing a reference is an exercise in power since your words can help to determine someone's future, but it's also a leap of faith. You are staking your professional (and sometimes personal) reputation on the information you provide about this person. If someone asks you to be a reference, it's probably because they respect you and think a lot of you (or they may not have many other options, but let's assume the former reason is most likely), so consider these tips when giving a reference:

• Request more information. Ask the person about the job, what they will be doing and honestly consider whether, based on your interaction with the requestor, s/he can perform the duties outlined.
• Respond promptly to reference requests. In today's economy when competition for jobs is high, time is of the essence.
• Don't be afraid to decline the reference request, but be honest with the person about why you are declining. ("I haven't really seen you use those skills, so I couldn't speak to them if asked." Or, "I'm going to be traveling and won't be able to answer calls.")
• NEVER give a bad reference. It reflects poorly on you as well.
• No reference is a bad reference. Saying "She worked here," is just as damaging as saying "She was a horrible employee."

Requesting a Reference:

Remember, you are asking someone to do you a favor.

• Prepare your references BEFORE you need them. Have different references for each type of scenario and know who you will ask to speak on your behalf, depending on the situation.
• ASK for a reference and give the person the opportunity to decline. Even if you have a mutual understanding that s/he will be your reference, each situation is different.
• Proactively provide information about the job or situation for which you're asking them to recommend you. 
• Keep your references informed of your progress. Don't just vanish into a black hole after you've received the recommendation. No one wants to be used.
• Follow up with a thank you note, even if you didn't get the job. The thank you is an acknowledgement of their time and effort and is independent of your success.