#313: To Err is Human (Friday, December 28)

Here we are. The last Good Friday of 2012. We've touched on a lot of etiquette topics--how to ask for a favor, how to address a mistake, the art of listening, TMI, cursing to name a few. But at the end of the day, proper etiquette boils down to one thing: being considerate and thoughtful of your fellow human beings.

But if you didn't follow very etiquette rule to a T this year, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we focus on the one imperfection and forget to see the bigger picture. Try to commit to one or two things--whether it's listening, being on time, apologizing when you've made a mistake--that you'll do better going forward.

More than anything else, commit to being kind and courteous to everyone you meet and everything else will fall into place.

#312: The Best Gifts (Friday, December 21)

This week many people were focused on the "end of days" and preparing for the apocalypse. Although I don't think most people actually believed the world would end, it provided an opportunity to clean house and re-prioritize.

As we approach the holiday and in the wake of the unspeakable tragedy last Friday in Sandy Hook, the "world ending" was a great reminder about the gifts that are truly important:

• Time
• Consideration
• Empathy
• Selflessness
• Kindness

Those are the gifts I'm giving and hoping to receive this year.

#311: Fortitude (Friday, December 14)

I recently had to ask a few people to define the word "fortitude". I was surprised by how many people didn't know what it meant.

I love this word. I think it's one of those words that speak to one's character and how they handle challenges and adversity in their lives.

You can have individuals who experience the same horrible situation in completely different ways. Some will completely break down and let it control their lives; others will work through it by any means necessary. The latter defines fortitude.

How will you respond when faced with adversity?

#310: Thanks for Your Concern? (Friday, December 7)

An acquaintance was recently telling a story to a group of people (myself included) about an accident he'd been in. He recounted in the incident in gory detail, including how surprised and thankful he was to have walked away virtually unscathed, considering that his car was completely totaled.

Almost everyone in the group echoed his sentiment, saying how glad they were that he was ok. Almost everyone. One person decided to comment on the car--asking if my acquaintance's insurance would cover the damage, would he be able to get a similar replacement, how unfortunate it was that he'd just bought it and it was already totaled given the amount of money he'd spent in getting custom work done.

It was so awkward to be there at that moment. Especially since the offender and many others in the group didn't even realize his faux pas.

Etiquette Rule #9457: Material things are irrelevant, especially in situations of life or death.

#309: A One-Sided Relationship (Friday, November 30)

With so many ways to stay in touch, how is it that sometimes we can go months without talking to the people closest to us? Time has a way of slipping away without you realizing it.

But what happens when you're either always receiving communications from a loved one and you never seem to be able to respond fast enough, or you're the one always reaching out and receiving no response. It can become a frustrating situation, especially for the person who's being proactive.

And you never want to be that person who only calls someone when they need a favor.

So what to do when you have so many friends and so little time? Here are some ways to stay in contact with those closest to you:

• Start a regular newsletter. Good Friday is my weekly touch base with the people I care about.
• Go through your address book. Choose 5 people from your phone's address book every day and send them a text, an email or give a quick call based on how you interact with them. Do this on a monthly basis and you'll touch everyone in your circle.
• Create a formal Contact Management Database. If you're more into process, Access or Excel can help you keep track of your contacts, including important dates, when you last spoke to them and any other information. 

Don't lose your relationships to one-sided communications.

#308: Chivalry Isn't Dead, It's Just Resting (Friday, November 23)

Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. -Anonymous

There's something to be said for a gentleman. No, he doesn't have to throw his cloak over puddles nor challenge an ungallant man to duel to defend your honor (though it would be nice!), but his daily deeds will speak volumes about how he perceives you.

I must admit that I've pretty much been complicit in the chivalry I've received. No one ever told me what to expect or require from a potential suitor or a male friend, other than that he be a good, kind soul who is a hard worker and who is ambitious, so that's where I drew my line in the sand. Yes, those are the most important things, but the niceties of being treated like a lady shouldn't be dismissed.

So it was a dear friend who taught me that a gentleman stands when a woman enters or leaves a room or a table (after my puzzled, "are you mocking me?"). That he waits for her to begin eating to start eating himself. And it was someone I dated that taught me that a gentleman walks on the outside of the woman; that he opens the car door for and helps her into her coat.

I didn't know any of these things, and while some of them may arguably be "outdated" or old-fashioned, methinks gentlemanly behavior never goes out of style. Thankfully, these days there are many resources available to help young women set their standards and young men to learn how to rise to the occasion. Here are a few great ones:

• 10 Rules of Chivalry Every Guy Should Know--But Doesn't
• Etiquette of A Gentleman

By the way, women can be chivalrous too. Here are some ways to show your feminine chivalry:

• Helping him into his coat once he's helped you into yours
• Ordering his favorite drink while you wait for him at the bar
• Taking the seat with your back to the door (since most men like to sit facing the entrance)
• Learning to do men-grooming things (like tying a tie; folding a pocket square; shaving preparation, etc.)
• Learning to make his favorite meal, even when you're vegetarian

At the end of the day, it's about respect and consideration.

#307: Fix Your Face (Friday, November 16)

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk!
Winston Churchill: Madam, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober.

Few things make a person uglier than a frown or a dour face. While there's no etiquette rule that says you have to walk around with a smile on your face, there are plenty of reasons why it could make your life a lot simpler.

I recently went into a restaurant where the woman serving was obviously having a bad day. It was written all over her face. The customer in front of me was asking a lot of questions, and even though the server answered them ok, her face told a different story. The customer ended up leaving and I'm sure it'll be a while before she returns...if ever. The server kept insisting that she'd done nothing wrong; until the man behind me ended all further conversation. "You need to fix your face," he said. "You may not have been rude in tone, but your expression speaks just as loudly."

So, as you move through the world, remember that sometimes it's not what you say nor how you say it, it's how your face says it. Lol.

#306: Six Degrees (or Less!) (Friday, November 9)

These days, our six degrees of separation has shrunk to two or three. It's not uncommon for me to visit my LinkedIn or Facebook page to find that my potential connections have increased by the addition of one new contact.

So it goes without saying that you should beware of what you say (and to whom) to avoid an embarassing situation, or worse, fracturing a relationship that you may need down the line. Years ago, I went to a party with a girlfriend and saw a guy I'd briefly dated. I pointed him out to my girlfriend and was just about to tell her to avoid him at all costs because he was a jerk, only to be interrupted with, "Oh, I know _____! He's my cousin." That would've been awkward. Lol.

Recently, I had two people initiate conversations about a third party where the person initiating the conversation didn't know that I knew the third party. Thankfully, in one instance the conversation was very complimentary. The other? Not so much. Of course, I said nothing, but I made a mental note.

So how do you navigate the Shrinking Six Degrees of Separation?

• Know your Circle of Trust--the people you can vent to or share "unpolished" comments without fear of it being repeated
• Never share unflattering comments via email or text. It's very easy for written communications to get into the wrong hands.
• Don't make unflattering statements about others (outside your Circle of Trust) that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying to them in person.

#305: Politics & Religion (Friday, November 2)

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. - Autobiography of Mark Twain

It used to be one of the cardinal rules of etiquette: never discuss religion and politics. Nowadays, not so much. According to Anna Post, it can be acceptable to discuss these topics if you avoid certain pitfalls such as oversharing, and know the goal of the conversation.

My personal opinion? Don't go there. Since these types of discussions rarely ever sway the other party to your point of view, then what really is the point of having them? The more likely scenario is that someone will either get annoyed, angry or offended.

Sure you can always "agree to disagree," but what if you're stuck in a discussion with one of those people who won't let you? (I've actually been in a discussion where someone refused to "agree to disagree.") What then?

In the end, you will draw your own conclusions about your political and religious affiliations. But if you're still not convinced and you're up for a spirited debate, at least use these guidelines.

#304: Boo (Friday, October 26)

boo /bu, boʊ/  noun slang. significant other; boyfriend or girlfriend. Thought to be a corruption of the French word "beau"

Gotchya! You probably thought I was going to talk about Halloween, huh? Well, it just happens to be a wonderful, coincidental play on words.

Relationships are hard. You have to put in a lot of work to maintain them and keep your significant other happy. And sometimes people get so focused on their relationship that they forget some of the basic etiquette rules that go along with being part of a couple.

Here are my Four Irrefutable Etiquette Rules for Couples:

1. Social media doesn't define your relationship, you do. There's no rule that says one must update their Facebook relationship status when they enter a new relationship (marriage exception applies). But there is a rule that says if you're in a fight with your SO, it shouldn't play out on Facebook, which brings me to rule #2:
2. Handle your personal matters privately. Everyone doesn't need to (and shouldn't) know about your squabbles and disagreements. 
3. Don't assume that all invitations sent directly to you include your significant other. There's nothing more annoying than showing up to a Boys/Girls Night Out and one person has brought their significant other. Couples need time apart too...use your judgement.
4. Always introduce your significant other when you're out together and never introduce  him/her as your "friend." It kinda says they're not that significant.

#303: Elephant in the Room (Friday, October 19)

I got an etiquette question from someone who reads my blog:

"If you've made a faux pas, should you address it or just gloss over it and pretend it didn't happen? I made a stupid joke about something and found out later that the person I made the joke to is in the group I was joking about. It happened a few weeks ago, should I address it or just leave it alone?"

As someone who is well-known among her friends for always putting her foot in her mouth, my advice is to address it. It's an extraordinary quality and strength of character to be able to admit you've made a mistake and take the steps necessary to correct it. I've said many a foolish thing in my lifetime and it's always turned out better once I've acknowledged it and apologized.

Elephants are meant to roam free...keep 'em away from the rooms of your life. :)

#302: Unfiltered (Friday, October 12)

A few times, I've found myself in the elevator with the same woman. Most people smile politely then stare at the ceiling until they've reached their floor. Others don't say anything. A few will engage strangers in "elevator" conversation--the weather, sports, something on the news. This woman is in a class by herself. In the three rides I've taken with her:

• She's explained her bathroom-going habits (in the morning as soon as she gets into work, and the last thing she does before she leaves the office, in case you were wondering)
• I've been asked to check the back of her skirt to see if she had an accident
• And I know she sweats profusely, so she keeps an extra deodorant at her desk

Did I mention that I don't know this woman? So now, I approach each elevator ride with trepidation, pressing the 'Door Close' button furtively and praying she doesn't slip in before they do.

This woman is part of the population that has no etiquette filter. So it's challenging interacting with folks like this because they don't see right/wrong and appropriate/inappropriate in the same way most of us do. I used to think it was funny. "They're just different," I'd say. "It's good to be different."

But try introducing one of your unfiltered friends to your boss. Or sitting in a cubicle next to an unfiltered colleague. Or being stuck on a six-hour flight in the middle seat next to one. And then it's not so funny anymore.

#301: The Truth About Good Deeds (Friday, October 5)

You've heard the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." It's probably the reason some people have opted out of the good-deed business altogether.

If you've done a good deed for someone whose response has been less than gracious, don't let that turn you into a good-deed sceptic. There are some fundamental truths about good deeds that may restore your faith in humanity:

1. Some people are just ungrateful. You've heard the story of the woman who donated  her kidney to her boss, only be fired shortly thereafter.
2. Most people who are the recipient of a good deed or random act of kindess pay it forward. No, I don't have statistics, but that's what decent human beings do.
3. Some people are just not aware when they've been done a good turn. How could this be, you ask? I don't know, but it happens.
4. Deeds done selflessly and without expectation of gratitude are the most rewarding. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. Besides, isn't the intrinsic joy of helping your fellow human being enough? :)

When was the last time you did a good deed for someone?

#300: A Word to the Outspoken (Friday, September 28)

"Providing the raw truth is hard. It's easy to be mean." - The Art of Being A Dick

I found this great blog post about the difference between being mean and being honest. The author makes some great points, but I think a lot of times people do say mean and hurtful things things under the guise of being outspoken.

You can tell the truth and be outspoken without being mean. But the question you should ask yourself one question: "Is it necessary to say what's on my mind at the risk of offending/hurting someone else?"

Sometimes, you gotta pick your battles.

#299: Why Can't We Be Friends? (Friday, September 21)

I got an odd email from a friend this week. She wanted to know if it was ok to contact another friend of mine to go to an event (they live in the same neighborhood). I thought it was odd since I was the one who introduced them and was there when they exchanged contact information which is usually the precursor to getting together.

I understand that my friend was being polite and respectful by checking with me, but at the same time, I don't think that is a scenario that requires my permission. I took to the internet to see if I could find some expert opinions on this topic and was surprised that many of the articles used the term "friend poaching" and "friend theft" to describe all situations where someone befriends a friend's friend--even in those (like mine) where they were introduced by a mutual friend and established a connection. One blog writer even drew up her own bylaws on the topic.

Here's my take:

• Befriending someone you've never met or interracted with (i.e. trolling your friends' friend list on Facebook) is inappropriate...and a llittle creepy.
• If you are interested in meeting someone you don't know, but you have friends in common, ask for an introduction.
• Once you have been introduced, you do not need to ask your mutual friend for permission to interact socially, but if you're interested in a romantic relationship, then it's considered polite and respectful to discuss it with your mutual friend before pursuing it.
• If you have introduced two mutual friends and they have established a connection, you cannot control the development of a subsequent friendship (nor should you be held responsible if they end up squabbling).

 Now go out there and make some friends!

#298: 212 Degrees (Friday, September 14)

At 211 degrees, water is hot.
At 212 degrees, it boils.
And with boiling water, comes steam.
And steam can power a locomotive.
One extra degree... makes all the difference.
-The Extra Degree

Sometimes all it takes is that extra degree of effort and consideration to be the difference. A thank you to the bus driver who got you safely to your destination. Helping someone carry their bags down the stairs, even if it'll mean you'll miss your train. Sharing your umbrella with a stranger who is waiting beside you outdoors. Going out of your way to be kind to someone who didn't show you the same courtesy. Offering your seat to someone who has just as many bags as you do.

These are things that you don't have to do. But doesn't it feel good to know that you've made someone's day a little brighter with just one extra degree of effort?

How will you use your extra degree?

Good Friday #297: What the $@#&%?! (Friday, September 7)

"Intelligent people have a choice of  words, so use your options..."

- Anna Post, great-great-grandaughter of etiquette expert, Emily Post

It's often been said that consistent usage of profanity is usually an indication of limited vocabulary and low reasoning skills. Although that might not true in every situation, it may explain why some people choose to curse in normal everyday conversation.

A couple months ago, I was suprised when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, referred to Senator Paul Sarlo as an "arrogant S.O.B." I waited for the backlash, but none came. In fact, Christie's now known for that sort of thing. I'm not sure if it's that our society is just more comfortable with cursing as a part of everyday life, or it's just that there's so much namecalling in politics nowadays that it escaped the general public attention.

Either way, I think unwarranted profanity--especially in your professional life--is the wrong way to go. So what determines whether profanity is "warranted", you ask? It's entirely subjective, but a few common sense examples:

• Environment: Foul-mouthed expression when you're out with your friends at a bar may be ok; in the confines of an office/professional setting? Not so much.
• Familiarity: Is that the first impression you want to leave with a stranger or someone you don't know very well? 
• Culture

And if you don't want to take my word for it, check out this article which says 1/2 of managers are less likely to promote someone who curses on the job. But to be fair, there's also another perspective.

#296: Can You Keep A Secret? (Friday, August 31)

"Secrets are lies." 

I've that saying often, but I don't agree. A secret isn't always deceptive; it can just be sensitive information that one prefers to share selectively. Is there an etiquette to sharing and keeping secrets? Everyone I asked seemed to have a different perspective on the subject. I actually had some great discussions, so I'm sharing the best questions and giving my perspective.  

• Do I have to specifically state that the information I'm sharing is a secret or should it be understood from the content? Specifically state it. Say it often while you divulge your secret. And I don't think it's going too far to make 'em swear not to to repeat it. 
• Do I have to keep a secret forever, or does it have an expiration date? It depends. If you snuck out of the house at 14 to go to a concert and swore your best friend to secrecy I think it's pretty safe to say that secret expired when you became an adult.
• If I'm no longer friends with someone, do I still have to keep their secret? You don't have to, but it's the right thing to do. Friends or not, the information they shared with you is still private. Besides, what is the purpose of divulging that information?
• Is it assumed that a secret shared with a friend is also shared with their spouse? Yes. It may not be right, but it happens. The foolproof way to avoid this? Don't share information with your married friends that you don't feel comfortable sharing with their spouse.
• If a friend shares a secret that doesn't affect me but affects people I know should I tell? It depends on many things: your role, whether lives are at stake, etc. Some jobs (therapist, officer of the court) obligate you to share a secret if lives are in jeopardy.

THE BOTTOM LINE:
Don't share information that's not yours to share. Be careful who you trust with your secrets. Recognize that some secrets cannot be kept if they pose a threat/harm to others. At the end of the day, if someone shares a secret with you, it's because they trust you. Is it worth losing their trust?

#295: Give Credit Where Credit Is Due (Friday, August 24)

As a writer, one of the most objectionable things is to learn that someone has plagiarized or has taken credit for someone else's work. Not only is it dishonest, it's also unkind not to recognize those who have contributed to something you are presenting as your own.

I've been the victim of the "credit-hog" many times. In fact, I sent my first freelance pitch to a "friend" who was an assistant editor at a magazine and never heard back, but read my pitch idea with my unique spin in the magazine a couple months later. But while some people will loudly proclaim their contributions and let the world know that they did all the work, I'm firmly of the opinion that cream rises to the top. In my mind, it will only be a matter of time before the credit-hog has to prove his/her own salt without your help. So...

If you've been the victim of a credit-hog:

• Speak to the credit-hog directly; it could have been an honest oversight.
• If you discover that you were not intentionally given credit, take the higher road.
• Don't broadcast that your contributions were not recognized, but if you feel the need to let others know, there are subtle ways to do so. ("When Jane and I were crunching the numbers for Project X, I thought that one outlier was odd.")
• Make a mental note. There will be a next time.

If you're the credit-hog:

• And you're doing it intentionally, STOP NOW. You're not making any friends.
• If you unintentionally forget to give someone credit, acknowledge it immediately to the person you forgot as well as to anyone who might need to know. It's never too late to send an email. ("I completely forgot that Sally did the numbers for this project and did a FANTASTIC job!")

As a general rule, always source quotations, statistics and other data that you didn't create or research. And always remember to thank anyone who helped you on a project. It builds goodwill for the next time.

#294: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Friday, August 17)

People throw around the word "respect" but I think for many people, it's overused. That's because "respect" means different things to different people. For some, it means to be honored and esteemed; for others, it just means acknowledgement; still others see respect as reciprocity--treat me the way I treat you.

Whatever your definition of respect, remember:

• Respect goes beyond the obvious.  Sometimes you can be disrespectful and not even know it.
• It's subjective. 
• It's not always reciprocal. The old saying "you have to give respect to get respect" isn't always true. Just because you respect someone doesn't mean they'll respect you back. 
• Respect isn't requested; it's given. If you have to ask for someone's respect, should they even be part of your circle?
• Children deserve respect too.

#293: Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail (Friday, August 10)

Earlier in the year in Good Friday #265, I spoke about the protocol for when plans change. But planning also requires a high level of thoughtfulness. Although spontaneity is a good thing, some things need a plan--moving, a wedding, starting a new job--especially when your plan involves others. Here are some things to consider when making a plan that includes others:

• What would I want to know about this event/outing?
• Have those details been included in the invitation or sent to all participants?
• Are there special requirements for anyone that I'm inviting (someone on crutches who needs to attend an event in a building with no elevator)?
• Is the event convenient for most of the people in attendance, or only for a select few?
• Do I need a Plan B (if the weather isn't as expected or the original plan isn't working)?

Remember, the goal is to be thoughtful, consider everyone's perspective and make sure everyone feels included at the event.

#292: Can I Get Some Feedback? (Friday, August 3)

constructive criticism: advice that is useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible solutions -Dictionary.com


When someone asks for your feedback, it's usually because they respect your opinion and judgement. So, when you provide it, it's important to do so in a sensitive and respectful way:

• Accentuate the positive. Don't just focus on what's wrong, also appreciate what's right.
• Provide options. It's easy to tell someone what's wrong with their work. It's much harder to provide options to fix it.
• Suggest, don't tell. Suggestions are usually received better than orders.

And if you're the one asking for the feedback, you're not exempt from the rules:

• Don't take it personal. Chances are, you've asked for feedback from someone you respect and who has your best interest at heart. Consider their feedback objectively.
• Use it or lose it. Someone has taken time to review your work. Don't disregard their feedback. Very few people are willing to constantly give feedback if they know you won't use it.

Remember, the key element in "constructive criticism" is to offer possible solutions.

#291: It's Who You Are (Friday, July 27)

"Sometimes when you are right, you can still be wrong." - James De La Vega

There will be times in your life when, despite your best efforts at civility, etiquette rules and "proper" behavior have to be abandoned. In those instances, it's who you are--your fundamental principles and values--that will dictate how you respond.

Trust your gut, realize that sometimes the "proper" thing to do may not always be the right thing (and vice versa) and always stay true to the person you want to be.

#290: Not Just for Books (Friday, July 20)

The other day I was watching an old episode of The Real Housewives of New York. One of them, who was married to a Count was insisting that she be addressed and introduced as Countess Luann. Even the poor waitstaff were not immune; she wanted them to address her as Countess even though they were already saying ma'am and Mrs.

A friend introduced me to "Dr. So-n-So" at an event the other day. When I asked what type of medicine he practiced, he said he was a Phd. I was very surprised, especially when he told me he had defended a few years ago. I understand the novelty of using the Dr title immediately after completing one's Phd, but I'd never encountered someone using it regularly, unless they were a medical doctor.

Personally, I'm all for using whatever title you want--especially if you've worked hard to achieve it but if you do, recognize that it may come off as pretentious and overbearing. Titles aren't just important for books.

Here are a couple great resources on title protocol.
Everything you need to know about titles from Emily Post:
http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles

The proper way to address correspondence:
http://www.artisticaddressing.com/Etiquette.htm#TITLES

#289: Drop It Like It's Hot (Friday, July 13)

Name-dropping: the studied but seemingly casual mention of prominent persons as associates done to impress others. -Miriam Webster

As a self-diagnosed sufferer of social anxiety, it's not unusual to find me at a party, propping up the wall or observing the general ebb and flow of things from a corner. Unfortunately, those fringe locations are fertile grounds for those seeking socially awkward people like myself who would seemingly be impressed with their bragging.

Recently, I found myself the unwilling participant in a conversation with one of these name droppers. He proceeded to tell me about his frequent trips to the Hamptons, the celebrities he knew and which of their homes he'd slept in, even pulling out his phone to show me that he had a couple of their numbers--"their personal cell phone numbers"--and could call at any time.

When he finally tired of bragging long enough to ask me what I did and I told him, he promised to connect with me on LinkedIn. That night, I got an email message from him. Turns out we are in the same field and he was "between jobs" and wanted to know if I knew of any opportunities. Imagine that. All those "close" celebrity "friends" and he was still unemployed.

Needless to say, I was not inclined to introduce him to any of my contacts, because I was fearful that he would be just as obnoxious to them as he'd been to me.

Ninety percent of the time, name dropping is dispicable and makes you look like a tool. But there are a FEW times when it can actually be beneficial if done in a SUBTLE way:

Networking/Finding a Job: Use it to establish mutual relationships, or as a conversation starter. Examples: "Oh, you work at XYZ? I have a great friend--John Doe--who works there too. Do you know him?"

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Obama. My mentor, Jane Doe, sends her regards."

Access: Get a table at a crowded restaurant or get into an exclusive club or secure a meeting with a busy executive who would otherwise have no time for you. 
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't make a reservation, but Jane said it'd be ok to just come by."
"I don't know Miss Winfrey personally, but my Gail is my godmother and she gave me this number and told me to call."
Remember, delivery is everything!

#288: TMI (Friday, July 6)

“...we can get caught up with the idea that we must embellish our conversations with lots of personal details... What we often fail to consider is how these thoughts are received by another person." - Jay Remer, the Etiquette Guy

In the last few weeks, I've been a few situations where people share too much information (TMI). There is a fine line between being an honest, open communicator and TMI. A very fine line. Unfortunately electronic communications and social media only make it worse, since you are unable to gauge the other party's response to your TMI.

It may not be intuitive, but sharing TMI is also poor etiquette. Etiquette is about being thoughtful and considerate; TMI can make another person feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and can often change the general mood.

So what constitutes TMI? It depends on the situation and the context. What might be TMI in one situation, could be perfectly normal in another. Generally speaking, I think it depends on three factors:

• Who's around. An embarrassing story shared with your close friends may not be TMI, but add a few strangers (or a couple work colleagues) and it changes the story altogether.
• Where you are. A story shared on Facebook/Twitter is different from one shared in a close setting. With social media, the important "backstory" can sometimes get lost, or it can be subject to misinterpretation.
• The relevance. This one's a little tricky, because your anecdote could be relevant and still be TMI, but it may be received a bit better if it's on topic rather than TMI that has nothing to do with what's being discussed. 

So before you share something in a mixed crowd, ask yourself these questions: 1) Would I be embarrassed if this story were repeated to someone I don't know, or to my boss? 2) Why am I sharing this information? 3) Could this be misinterpreted?

Think before you speak/type.

#287: Compromising vs. Settling (Friday, June 29)

Last week, we talked about a host who compromised his normal behavior to make a guest feel at ease. The situation, in my opinion, was a great illustration of a time when it's ok to compromise your manners and etiquette. But I think there are also times when you should stand your ground and hold true to your values.

For example, I recently received a gift that I thought was extremely exorbitant. I didn't want to accept the gift because it wasn't in line with my personal values. But I was also raised that it's bad manners to refuse a gift. I was in a quandary: if I accepted the gift, it would go against everything I practiced and if I didn't, it would be hurtful and also go against how I was raised.

So what did I do? I accepted the gift only on the condition that it would be considered the giver's property which I could share and use whenever I wanted. A perfect compromise!

#286: Reciprocity: A Reminder (Friday, June 22)

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."


Many of us probably grew up hearing that phrase, but how many of us really practice it in every day life? How many people make a conscious effort to treat everyone with the same respect, consideration and thoughtfulness that they would like for themselves. I stumbled upon an old book called The Party by Sally Quinn, who used to cover the parties for the Washington Post.

In it, she recounts a story of a dinner party where one of the guests, unfamiliar with a finger bowl, put it to his head and drank from it. The host, upon realizing his guest's error, picked up his own finger bowl and drank from it so the guest wouldn't be embarrassed or subject to ridicule.

I thought it was a wonderful reminder, especially since we're coming up on the mid-year mark of our theme. As you go through your day, continually ask yourself, "Am I being empathetic and thoughtful? Am I treating each person I meet the way I would like to be treated?"

It's never too late to start.

#285: Excuses, Excuses (Friday, June 15)

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver


One of the defining characteristics of becoming an adult, at least for me, is accountability. There comes a time when everyone has to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. The person who always has an excuse is the ultimate buzzkill and can put a strain on personal or professional relationships. And it's poor manners.


Socially, no one wants to be around someone who is constantly offering excuses. But excuses can also hurt one's professional reputation. People lose faith in Mr./Miss Excuses; they don't trust that they will get the job done and as a result, they don't get assigned to projects that count.

Yet people still give excuses. In fact there are websites dedicated to giving excuses. Some do it out of embarrassment; others do it out of conceit; some give excuses to avoid hurting other people's feelings; and others do it without even realizing it's a habit. The bottom line though, is that people give excuses because they don't want to admit to something.  Here are some things to consider before giving an excuse:

• Why am I giving an excuse (ego, embarrassment, protecting someone's feelings, I don't know)?
• What will happen if I admit/own up to the issue?
• Is there anything I can do to resolve this situation without giving an excuse?

Think about the situation before you give an excuse.

#284: The Art of Apologizing (Friday, June 8)

"I'm sorry." They are two simple words, but for a lot of people, very difficult to actually say. Here are some tips to help you deliver your apology:

• Only apologize if you mean it. A disingenuous apology is just as bad as not giving one at all.
• Be humble. Avoid the urge to become defensive and justify your behavior when apologizing.
• Don't apologize then continue the behavior that led to the apology. An apology doesn't absolve you of the offensive behavior.
• Understand that the recipient is not obligated to accept your apology. 
• Choose the method of your apology depending on the infraction. You can apologize via email or text for being late; an in-person or phone apology is probably better for more serious offenses to avoid misinterpretation.
• There is no substitute for an apology. Treating someone to dinner or buying 

What if you're on the receiving end of an apology? Well, there's an etiquette for that as well.

• Acknowledge the apology. You don't have to accept the apology, but you should still be gracious.
• If you accept the apology, move on. No one likes to have an offense hung over their head, especially one for which they have apologized.
• Decide on your course of action if you reject the apology. If you reject the apology, do you just need more time or is it a relationship you no longer want to pursue? In addition to an apology, what, if anything else can the person do to make it up to you?

I found this great discussion on accepting an apology if you're interested. And by the way, you should practice saying, "I apologize" rather than "I'm sorry." I'm sure none of us think of ourselves as sorry.

#283: One Moment Can Change A Life (Friday, June 1)

In Good Friday #263, Peanut Butter, I talked about saying "thank you". When someone gives you a great reference or recommendation it is the perfect opportunity for a thank you. Many people diminish the importance of references, but if you think about it one word from a reference can snatch your dream job out of your grasp.

Providing a Reference:
Providing a reference is an exercise in power since your words can help to determine someone's future, but it's also a leap of faith. You are staking your professional (and sometimes personal) reputation on the information you provide about this person. If someone asks you to be a reference, it's probably because they respect you and think a lot of you (or they may not have many other options, but let's assume the former reason is most likely), so consider these tips when giving a reference:

• Request more information. Ask the person about the job, what they will be doing and honestly consider whether, based on your interaction with the requestor, s/he can perform the duties outlined.
• Respond promptly to reference requests. In today's economy when competition for jobs is high, time is of the essence.
• Don't be afraid to decline the reference request, but be honest with the person about why you are declining. ("I haven't really seen you use those skills, so I couldn't speak to them if asked." Or, "I'm going to be traveling and won't be able to answer calls.")
• NEVER give a bad reference. It reflects poorly on you as well.
• No reference is a bad reference. Saying "She worked here," is just as damaging as saying "She was a horrible employee."

Requesting a Reference:

Remember, you are asking someone to do you a favor.

• Prepare your references BEFORE you need them. Have different references for each type of scenario and know who you will ask to speak on your behalf, depending on the situation.
• ASK for a reference and give the person the opportunity to decline. Even if you have a mutual understanding that s/he will be your reference, each situation is different.
• Proactively provide information about the job or situation for which you're asking them to recommend you. 
• Keep your references informed of your progress. Don't just vanish into a black hole after you've received the recommendation. No one wants to be used.
• Follow up with a thank you note, even if you didn't get the job. The thank you is an acknowledgement of their time and effort and is independent of your success.

#282: How Did You Get Here? (Friday, May 25)

Even in today’s work world, technical skills and knowledge represent less than 15 percent of one’s value in obtaining a job, keeping a job or advancing in a job, according to research done by Harvard University, the Carnegie Foundation and the Stanford Research Institute. Meanwhile, more than 85 percent of job success is based on personal conduct (“soft skills”) and the ability to put others at ease. - Diane Gottman, Who Is Your Child's Role Model?

Most people acquire their manners and cues on how to behave in social situations from their parents (or the person who raised them). Chances are, it was your nurturer who probably taught you how to greet strangers, or showed you how to use a knife and fork, or chastised you when you did something inappropriate like interrupt an adult conversation.

But what happens when the person responsible for imparting the social graces doesn't know what's appropriate, has forgotten, or comes from a culture where the etiquette rules differ? Many parents don't realize it, but they are the first line of defense to ensure that the children they raise become respectful, thoughtful adults.

Sure, most parents teach their children to say "please", "thank you", "I apologize", "excuse me" and "Good morning/good evening", but lately I've met more children who do very little more than that, which, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't even scratch the surface of basic etiquette rules:

• Address adults with an appropriate title (Mr./Miss/Mrs.; Sir/Ma'am; etc.)
• Stand when greeting an adult
• Make eye contact
• Say excuse me before interrupting a conversation
• Do not act up when in public
• Keeping in touch with family and friends
• Thanking family and friends for gifts received via mail

I was happy to find an entire site on Parenthood.com dedicated to Parenting Etiquette. It's a great read.  Early Lessons Have Lasting Impact, Manners for Girls (especially the tip about the handshake!), Minding Your Pregnancy Manners and The Art of the Thank-You Note are just a few of my favorites. Definitely recommend bookmarking the site if you're a parent.

#281: The "Rules" of Friendship (Friday, May 18)

When I was doing research for this blog entry, I came across a response to a blog entitled, The Etiquette of Friendship, in which the commenter said:

Here is a general rule of thumb in regards to friendship ettiquette..."Try not to be a complete and utter ass". Rule 2. "If you have acted like a compete and utter ass, apologize and don't do it again". Rule 3 "If your friend keeps acting like a complete and utter ass, even after apologizing it, re-examine the friendship" Pretty simple huh?

While I agree that there aren't necessarily formalized rules of friendship, there are still some basic etiquette rules that should be observed in a friendship. And because our friends are our most casual, at-will relationships, they are generally most susceptible to be taken for granted. We get comfortable, we tend to bend the rules and forget that the considerations that we apply to the rest of the world should also be afforded to our friendships. Here are my three basic rules of friendship:

1. Friendship should be a safe space. Yes, we all have different categories of friends who we call for various reasons, but if you call someone a friend, you should feel comfortable being yourself around him/her.
2. It should be based on mutual respect. It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone you don't respect or vice versa. This includes respect for your friends' time by not being consistently late or canceling plans at the last minute, as well as respecting who they are, even if it's not who you want them to be.
3. Friendship should be balanced. You can't expect your friends to do for you what you are unwilling to do for them. This applies to everything from being open and vulnerable with your issues to being supportive and encouraging in difficult times.

Don't take you r friends for granted! The same etiquette rules you employ with the rest of the world also work with your friends. They may not need it, but it's always nice to do it anyway.

#280: Perception Is Reality (Friday, May 11)

First impressions are lasting ones and nothing contributes more to a first impression than how you look. As unfair as it seems, people form opinions (and biases) about you at first glance, so many people miss out on valuable opportunities before they've even open their mouths. Think about it: would you hire a personal trainer who was overweight, or a dentist with bad teeth?

The way you dress says a lot about who you are, so think about these tips every day when you get dressed:

1. Dress for the impression you want to give.
If you meet someone for the first time (whether it be a potential business acquaintance, significant other or employer), are you comfortable with the image you are presenting?
2. Ask about the dress code. If you are attending an event you should know how you are expected to dress. A good host will always provide guidelines, but if none are provided, proactively inquire and follow them!
3. "Comfortable" doesn't mean careless. Whenever you're told to dress comfortably, it doesn't mean you should let loose and wear whatever you want. You should always look as though you've put some thought into your look. 
4. Dress for the job you WANT, not for the job you HAVE. 
5. Look at the people you admire and respect and emulate them. We all need role models.
6. Remember cultural differences when traveling. 
7. When in doubt, it is better to be slightly overdressed than too casual. But never outshine the host (especially if it's a wedding!).

#279: Should Etiquette Trump Ethics? (Friday, May 4)

Although both etiquette and ethics both deal with behavior, the two are very different. Etiquette refers to society's rules and laws that govern polite behavior, while ethics refer to the personal moral rules that govern an individual's behavior. (The dictionary actually said an "individual or group's behavior", but methinks that one shouldn't be part of a group that conflicts with, or contradicts one's personal code of ethics.)

In a perfect world, both etiquette and ethics would coexist in perfect harmony--and they often do. But I''ve met many unprincipled individuals who know which fork to use with a salad and vice versa. Enough to know that sometimes you have to choose. Do you run the risk of being rude to or offending someone to stay true to your own personal principles, or do stay true to societal rules and guidelines?

For me there is no choice. In the absence of a solution that would allow me to be polite and ethical, ethics will always win. It's easier to teach a person to chew with their mouth closed, than it is to teach them how to stand for something.

#278: Are You Listening? (Friday, April 27)

"You have two ears and one mouth; use them in that proportion."

Have you ever had to repeat yourself multiple times when speaking to someone? Do you get the feeling that sometimes the people around you aren't paying attention? As a followup to last week's Good Friday entry and based upon a personal branding seminar I attended this week, I decided to further explore the topic of listening.

In the seminar we were asked to develop our personal brands using a combination of our skills/talents and our accomplishments. I put listening as the core part of my personal brand, because I couldn't be an effective marketer or writer without listening. Plus, I think I do it quite well. :)

But communication is essential to every day life, so it's important to know how to do it well. No one wants to have a conversation or confide in someone who isn't listening. Here are some tips on how to listen well

• Pay attention. Stop what you're doing and make eye contact with the person speaking. If you are in the middle of something, ask the speaker to wait until you're finished so you can give him/her your full attention.
• Give cues that you're listening. Use nonverbal communication such as your body language (leaning in, nodding) and facial expressions, or intermittent verbal responses.
• Don't interrupt, unless you are asking for clarification on something the speaker said.
• Reserve judgement until the speaker is finished. It may be difficult, especially if the speaker is making statements you don't agree with, but you can't listen and formulate an argument at the same time.

#277: Girl, Interrupted (Friday, April 20)

"Good manners are based on kindness and respect, which transcend etiquette. In every human situation there is the correct action, the incorrect action and the appropriate action...A person's feelings is always more important." - The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette, 3rd Edition

According to The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette, “interrupting is the most common and among the most irritating errors people make in conversation.” I detest being interrupted, especially when it's consistent; it's one of my pet peeves. I've also found that those who constantly interrupt also have difficulty listening, and many aren't even conscious that they're interrupting. But that doesn't make it right, so how do you handle a Constant Interrupter graciously?

• Some etiquette experts will tell you to continue where you left off and just speak louder, but I think playing "tit for tat" is childish. Plus it takes too much energy to talk over someone. 
• Others recommend shaming the interrupter with a pointed question such as "Did you just interrupt me?" which they would have to acknowledge and then yield. But I think that's unkind.
• I will generally just tune out of the conversation; I stop listening and stop participating. But unless the interrupter is very aware (which s/he is probably not), they won't notice anyway and will keep right on talking.

I found these great tips searching the web that I think might work better.

• Politely acknowledge the interruption. "Excuse me, Bill but I wasn't finished. I also wanted to say that..." or "You'll get a chance to respond, just let me finish this one thought before I forget." or "I listened to what you had to say, will you hear me out?"
• Hold your thought. Let the interrupter say their piece, then acknowledge the interruption. "What I was going to say before you spoke was..."
• Have an aside. If someone is constantly interrupting you and you are around them frequently, it may be worth it to pull them aside and address the behavior in a way that doesn't make them defensive. "I feel like you don't care what I have to say..."

Here's to great conversations, free of with less interruptions!

#276: Can I Ask A Favor? (Friday, April 13)

A favor can be a simple, painless task or it can totally destroy a relationship. I've seen many couples, friends and even family members part ways and stop speaking to each other over what was "a simple favor."

As with anything else, there is an etiquette to asking for a favor. Even if it's your very best friend who'd do anything for you, it's still important to be considerate and recognize that even the smallest favors require some effort on the part of another person.

1) Don't ask for favors too often. You don't want to be known as that person.
2) Don't contact someone just to ask for a favor. It's in poor taste and no one wants to feel like they are being used.
3) Do make the request convenient for the person who is doing the favor.
4) Do ask yourself these questions from The Classy Woman blog BEFORE asking for a favor:

(i) Do I really need to ask for this favor or am I just looking for the easy way out?
(ii) Is what I'm going to ask reasonable, fair and ethical?
(iii) If the tables were turned, would I be willing to do the same for this person?
(iv) Will this favor affect anyone else other than myself? Will this put others at a disadvantage in any way?
(iv) If the person I want to ask the favor of agrees, how will this affect our relationship? What about if they don't agree to the favor?

I think these are all great considerations that may prevent you from asking for a favor that may not be worth it.

#275: Let's Eat! (Friday, April 6)

I'm a self-proclaimed foodie and I LOOOVE eating out. It's one of my favorite things to do. But there are a few things that can ruin a dining out experience: poor table manners, obnoxious dinner companions, the division of the bill and just general inconsideration and rudeness. Here are some etiquette tips to remember when dining out:

• Remember your table manners. It may seem so simple but you'd be surprised how many people don't do the basic things. Chew your food, don't speak with your mouth full, don't reach over others' food, use your napkin and don't blow your nose at the table.
• Be a good dinner companion. Don't monopolize the conversation, be kind to the waiters and staff, arrive on time, don't complain excessively and don't rewrite the menu. If you have special dietary needs, you can mention them, but understand that the restaurant may not be able to accommodate them. If you are very late and others have finished eating or on the dessert course, do not order a meal (or do so on a separate check) to be considerate of everyone else's time.
• Paying the bill doesn't have to be a spectacle if you remember the following: 
• It is customary to leave a tip for good service.
• If all parties have had approximately the same amount (within $5-$10), it's customary to split the bill. The bill should not be divided equally if there are guests who have markedly less (i.e. only an appetizer, or someone who doesn't drink when the table orders a bottle of wine).
• If you prefer to pay separately, request a separate check BEFORE dinner.
• If you have been invited out to eat at restaurant that is outside of your budget, it is acceptable to decline the invitation.
• If you have to leave before dinner is over, make sure you have left enough to cover your portion of the bill.
• It is customary to split the cost of the mea of the person celebrating a birthday.

Happy dining!

#274: You Know Better! (Friday, March 30)

I once heard Russell Simmons make a statement, "Those who know better, do better." At first I agreed, but then I thought of many instances where people know what the right thing to do is, but ignore it. For many of us, there are things that have been ingrained in  us from birth, by parents, grandparents and social norms. Here are a few that I learned growing up that will stick with me, no matter what:

1. "Never go anywhere with your two hands swinging." It means that you shouldn't show up to someone's house empty-handed. Whether it be a basket of fruit, a drink, some dessert--you should always bring something.
2. "Always say thank you." I got a gift from one of my aunts once and forgot to send her a thank you letter. She casually mentioned it to my dad. Let's just say I haven't forgotten since. LOL.
3. "Notify others when you're in town." A (non-Caribbean) friend of mine visiting New York said he wasn't going to call his sister who lived here because he wouldn't have time to see her. I had never heard such a thing in my life. Even if there's no possibility of seeing your relatives, in my culture you still need to call if you're in their general area.
4. "Respect your elders." Growing up, I could never address an adult by their first name. It didn't matter if they were 25 or 85. It had to be Mr., Miss, Mrs., Auntie or Uncle. Even now when I visit, I still address older adults the same way. Children couldn't sit on the bus if adults (especially older adults) were standing; it was a sign of disrespect and a clear indication that you weren't raised properly.

What etiquette lessons have been ingrained in you since birth? Are you still practicing them today?

#273: A Gift for You (Friday, March 23)

I love giving gifts to my friends...but I'm horrible at it. Even though I generally have the gift prepared in advance, I feel uncomfortable presenting it in a group setting. So I wait until a more appropriate time and before I know it, a year has passed and I've forgotten to send the gift. Here are some wonderful gift-giving etiquette tips that you should keep in mind.

If you're the giver:

• DON'T give wine or alcohol to someone you don't know well. They may have some moral objection to drinking or may be a recovering alcoholic.
• DON'T give cash unless it's to a family member or someone you know really well or for acceptable situations such as weddings, etc. It's considered a lazy gift.
• DON'T bring a gift to a party if the invitation expressly says not to do so. It's a blatant disregard of the host's wishes, and is also obnoxious to those who obeyed instructions.
• DO make every effort to deliver the gift promptly. Although everyone likes receiving gifts, it's always more considerate to deliver the gift on or near to the occasion for which it was intended.
• DO ensure that you have sufficient funds in your account if you're making a monetary gift. Keep in mind that some people may take a few weeks to deposit monetary gifts, especially in the case of weddings when the couple is going on an extended honeymoon.
• DO include a gift receipt for store bought items. This enables the recipient to exchange for a different color or size without having to contact you.

If you're the recipient:

• DO acknowledge receipt of the gift and thank the giver. In person, via telephone call or via thank you note are the preferred methods. If sending a thank you note, personalize it for the person receiving it.
• DO be a gracious gift recipient. Even if the gift you receive is not to your taste, there is no need to inform the giver and a thank you is still necessary.
• DON'T ask for a monetary gift for your wedding/bridal shower. It's also rude to specify what you would like as a gift, unless you're asked for recommendations.
• DON'T feel the need to reciprocate if someone gives you a gift. Thanking the person is sufficient.

Are you up on your gifting etiquette? Take this quiz and find out!

#272: A Simple Acknowledgement (Friday, March 16)

Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. - 101 Simple Truths We Often Forget (#94)

I was raised in a culture where you acknowledge other people, even strangers. Not doing so would be considered impolite, but would also be a reflection of how you were raised. Coming to the US was definitely a transition. I discovered that my friendly overtures were often ignored or were not returned with the same zeal. But acknowledging others around you is just a simple way to stay connected to other people and it costs nothing. Consider these tips:

• When entering a small, enclosed space (a meeting, or a doctor's waiting room, or the pantry at work) always greet those that are already there.
• If you are attending a small meeting and there are people you do not know, introduce yourself. Do not wait for the meeting to begin before acknowledging those in the room with you.
• If you catch a stranger's eye, it is considered polite to smile or give some other gesture of acknowledgment.
• Your greeting should be appropriate for the relationship (handshake, kiss on the cheek, hug, etc.)
• Your handshake should be firm and strong. Nothing is more offputting than a weak handshake.
• Children are people too and should also be included in a greeting.
• Know the cultural implications of greetings if you plan to travel, or if you will be in a situation outside of the standard customs. For example, in some cultures, it is considered offensive not to greet in the order of importance/seniority. In other cultures, you have to wait to be introduced.

#271: What's In A Name? (Friday, March 9)

My name has four variations and generally my environment determines which name I use. I used to only go by Deborah in formal or professional situations, but someone at work arbitrarily shortened my name to Deb and started referring to me as such in meetings so it became easier to just answer than correct everyone. Mine is a common story; I have two foreign-born friends who, until recently, spent their entire professional careers being called by the wrong name, even introducing themselves incorrectly.

Believe it or not, there is an etiquette to names. Plus it's thoughtful to make sure you're addressing someone by the name they prefer. Here are some guidelines:

• Pay attention to how someone introduces themselves; use the name they provide in an introduction.
• Do not arbitrarily shorten someone's name without their permission.
• If someone has a name with variations (Robert, William, David, Jennifer, Catherine, etc.) always ask how they prefer to be addressed.
• If your close friends have nicknames, ask them how they want to be introduced to people outside of your circle. Never introduce someone by a nickname unless they indicate it's ok to do so.
• It is impolite to ask someone the ethnic origin of their name in a first meeting.
• It is also impolite to share your opinion on the name(s) expectant parents choose for their prospective child(ren) unless you are asked. For example, don't say: My ex-girlfriend's name was Susan and she was a jerk.
• It is flattering to remember someone's name, but understandably some people aren't good with names. Do mental word associations (or ask someone for the spelling of their name) to help you commit it to memory. For example, if someone says their name is Steve, you can associate it with Steve Jobs.

#270: Sometimes You're Meant to Be Hidden (Friday, March 2)

Some people love the spotlight; others not so much. Whether or not you enjoy the spotlight, it is important to recognize that sometimes things are meant to be private. Consider the following common etiquette mistakes that many people make in situations that were meant to be private:

• Speakerphone: Putting someone on speakerphone without asking their permission or notifying them at the onset of the call is inconsiderate. The person on the other end may have some expectation of privacy and may relay confidential information without knowing that others are listening. Plus, background noises are often magnified on speakerphone, which may interfere with the person's ability to hear what you're saying, or s/he may simply be hard of hearing and unable to hear you over speakerphone.
• Email: Email is an etiquette landmine, especially for things that were meant to be private. Never forward an email on to someone else before checking its contents. Make sure that there is no confidential, harmful or other language that the sender intended only for you. Use the "Reply All" function judiciously; I generally don't use it unless I know all the recipients on the email. The same rationale applies to the "BCC" feature, and probably even more so since it's a hidden field. You should make it a habit to check the top of your email to see how you are listed, and reply accordingly.
• Confidential Conversations: Don't repeat or allude to confidential information, even among mutual friends or if you suspect that the person you're speaking to already knows the secret. It's the foundation for gossip and hearsay.

Remember, sometimes things are meant to be hidden. I'm not a Tyler Perry fan, but I definitely agree with this message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7RUXQ6GDJw

#269: Just Joking! (Friday, February 24)

"Every skin teet' a no laugh." -Jamaican proverb

Meaning: Just because you see someone's teeth it doesn't mean they're laughing (similar to how an animal bares its teeth when it's about to attack).

Everyone loves a good joke. In fact, the ability to make others laugh is a gift that shouldn't be discounted. But even joking has its etiquette, so keep these tips in mind and you can keep everyone laughing:

- There is a time and place for everything. A joke at a bad time can make a situation worse, even if that was not your intent.
- All jokes aren't for all people. The jokes you tell to close friends may not be appropriate (or may be misconstrued) with people who don't know you well (work colleagues, for example).
- Along the same lines, some jokes don't transition well with other cultures, so consider your audience.
- Consider the joke and whether it could be offensive. Is it a joke that promotes stereotypes? Intolerance? Any other negative connotations? Generally speaking, when in doubt leave it out.
- Don't forward jokes electronically. Punch lines can be easily misinterpreted in writing. And since some people forward jokes without deleting email addresses, you never want to be associated with an off-color joke that was only intended just for close friends.
- Carefully consider the jokes you use during certain events (birthday/wedding toasts, eulogies, introducing speakers, etc.) especially since these events are typically being recorded and your words will be forever memorialized.

Keep laughing!

#268: Are You On Facebook? (Friday, February 17)

Technology has given us numerous ways to see what our friends are up to, arguably none more popular than Facebook. But given the numerous privacy issues that Facebook has, it's important to be considerate and thoughtful when using it--or any social media outlet for that matter. Here are my top Facebook etiquette rules (and pet peeves):

1. Don't post pictures of other people's children without their permission. Some parents are avid users of Facebook but don't want their children's pictures floating over the internet.
2. Don't "check in" people at places. The check-in feature on Facebook is responsible for numerous home robberies. Many people aren't comfortable sharing their whereabouts publicly.
3. Facebook should not be used as the medium for communicating life events. Posting wedding, birth, and other life event announcements on Facebook doesn't remove the responsibility of sending written communication or calling. Don't assume that everyone knows because you've posted it on Facebook.
4. Don't post pictures of intimate events (weddings, funerals) without permission. The organizer has taken great care to preserve the intimacy of their event, so you should respect their wishes.
5. Use your discretion. Pictures can sometimes be searched on Google if even one of your friends has a low privacy setting. So before posting consider whether the image is a representation you want to portray to the public. Avoid references to your employer or private conversations.
6. Get off the 'net and live. Frequent updates to your status can be cumbersome for your Facebook friends to read, especially given the new layout. Be considerate and post judiciously.

#267: A Time To Die (Friday, February 10)

"Be happy while you're living for you're a long time dead." -Scottish proverb

I have been to less than 10 funerals in my entire life, and only one that I can remember as  a child. It's ironic, considering that I grew up a stone's throw away from a cemetary. But I've always been uncomfortable with the topic, mostly because I don't know what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one. I just feel like any sentiment, no matter how heartfelt, always seems inadequate.

But alas, dying is a part of life so when these situations arise, it's better to know how to address them thoughtfully and with care. Here are some tips:

1. Send your condolences IN THE MAIL. Texts and emails are not appropriate. To be especially thoughtful, you can include a sentence that "an acknowledgement is not required" since he or she may have a lot of handwritten thank you notes to send. Conversely, if you are the mourner, always acknowledge condolences and expressions of kindness even if it takes some time to do so.
2. Phone calls are also appropriate, but understand that the person may be overwhelmed with calls (especially if they are responsible for the funeral arrangements).
3. Everyone grieves differently. Some people may want to have lots of people around, others prefer to grieve privately. Respect the mourner's wishes.
4. The family will notify the public of the death and will also let you know whether you can share that information. You should wait for that announcement.
5. The months after the funeral are the hardest. Check in periodically and offer your support, even if it's just a 'thinking of you" email.

Here are some other etiquette tips from Emily Post: http://www.emilypost.com/home-and-family-life/loss-grieving-and-condolences

#266: Putting Things in Context (Friday, February 3)

Even though it's more convenient than ever to reach someone, I generally dislike text messaging. I've had some colossal misunderstandings with friends and family members missed messages, misinterpreted messages and the like. I thought it would be a good idea to post some tips about the proper etiquette of text messaging:

1. When in doubt, call. It is the safest way to ensure that your communication is received.
2. Don't send or read text messages while driving! 
3. Never send a text message that could be misinterpreted or misread.
4. Text messages should be short. If your message is greater than 140 characters, see #1.
5. Be aware that others may have different messaging plans. Avoid using text messaging as your primary means of communication or for sending large pictures or spam.
6. Don't send confidential or urgent information via text message. See #1.
7. Avoid abbreviations. Everyone does not understand them.
8. Use regular call guidelines. Don't send text messages at inappropriate hours or at times when you are engaged with someone else.

Check out these other fantastic text message etiquette tips from Emily Post and TextEtiquette.com.

#265: When Plans Change (Friday, January 27)

I once read somewhere the Japanese believe that each moment happens only once. So they drink tea to celebrate the beauty and specialness of the moment. Think about that. Even if you read this again tomorrow, wearing the same clothes at the same time, it won't be the same moment as today.

So it's very important to capitalize on the moments you do have. But understandably, things change and the plans you make with others may not always come to fruition. Nevertheless, there is a thoughtful way to address a change of plans or a cancellation. Make these tips part of your everyday guide:

• If you need to change plans, proactively give the other party as much notice as possible; it is inconsiderate to change plans when the other party contacts you to confirm
• If you will be later than expected, offer the party the opportunity to reschedule for another day
• Acceptable reasons to change plans include: an emergency, illness, death or work (if keeping your job depends on it)
• Unacceptable reasons to change plans include: you don't feel like it*; you've received a better offer
• Try not to change plans more than once; you lose your credibility after the first couple of times
• Try to avoid changing plans for events that are difficult to reschedule (tickets to an event on a specific day) or required a lot of pre-planning (a trip abroad, events at someone's home)

*I'm also very superstitious, so I believe that if you get the feeling that you shouldn't go somewhere, go with your gut. BUT you should use that excuse only once every 10 years. LOL.

#264: Grace (Friday, January 20)

Grace: 1. Elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion or action; 2. A pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

Every day we are confronted with situations where a celebrity shows an apparent lack of grace: Etta James' criticism of Beyonce; Kanye West's infamous outburst; and more recently, Madonna's comments on Lady Gaga and her speech at the Golden Globes. I'm sure you can think of instances in your immediate circle. But on the flip side, there have been celebrities who have shown grace in uncomfortable situations. Mark Wahlberg's swift and sincere apology to his recent faux pas comes to mind. I also think Beyonce handled the Etta James incident elegantly.

I think many of these situations occur because people don't understand what it means to be gracious. Here are a few tips:

• Be respectful. When you disrespect others, it is a reflection of you.
• Do not publicly belittle or speak ill of others. It is ok to have an opinion, but being tactful and tasteful is essential. You can be honest without being mean.
• Be humble. Pride and conceit are not bedfellows of grace.
• Be sincere. Do not put on airs or be fake.
• Acknowledge your mistakes. Everyone makes them, it's all in the recovery.

Your assignment: Think of one person in your life that embodies grace and strive to emulate the qualities that you think makes them so.

#263: Peanut Butter (Friday, January 13)

"Howdy an tenk yuh nuh bruk square." -Jamaican proverb

(To say hello and thank you doesn't require much effort.)

Over the holidays, I was looking for a soup kitchen or a food pantry to volunteer at on Christmas day. Unbelievably, most of the places I checked didn't have any volunteer opportunities; some had more volunteers than they could use. One of the pantries I called, the director said, "We don't need any volunteers, but we could use some peanut butter."

I thought it was an odd request then I did some research and found out that for many food pantries, peanut butter is an essential item. It's a great source of protein for children, doesn't spoil and can feed many people cheaply. But there's a peanut butter shortage, so many pantries can no longer afford to stock this item.

I think a "thank you" is a lot like peanut butter--essential to every day life, but can oftentimes be very scarce. Sometimes we think it, but forget to articulate it; we take it for granted that the intended recipient knows that we're thankful. Other times, it's not even a consideration. But nothing is too small to deserve a thank you, and it's never too late to give one. 

A thank you is thoughtful way to acknowledge a kindness. Whether you say it in person, call or send a note, just remember it in your every day life.

#262: Empathy & Thoughtfulness (Friday, January 6)

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead



It's a new year, another 365 days to make a difference. And as the year changes, so does our theme. We are leaving 2011's money management theme behind and in 2012 we will focus on being more empathetic and thoughtful, specifically as it relates to etiquette.


I think etiquette is less about being "PC" (politically correct) and more about being "ET" (empathetic and thoughtful). Most people won't care if you use the "correct" fork at dinner, but they will care if you are an inconsiderate, obnoxious dinner guest. 


Think about how many wars, fights, accidents, misunderstandings, lost friendships, divorces and other such scenarios could have been avoided if people stopped to think about the effect of their actions on another person.


As we go through this year, I'll provide etiquette tips for every day life. But as you go through each day, constantly ask yourself one question: "Am I being ET?"