"Sometimes when you are right, you can still be wrong." - James De La Vega
There will be times in your life when, despite your best efforts at civility, etiquette rules and "proper" behavior have to be abandoned. In those instances, it's who you are--your fundamental principles and values--that will dictate how you respond.
Trust your gut, realize that sometimes the "proper" thing to do may not always be the right thing (and vice versa) and always stay true to the person you want to be.
Jul 27, 2012
Jul 20, 2012
#290: Not Just for Books (Friday, July 20)
The other day I was watching an old episode of The Real Housewives of New York. One of them, who was married to a Count was insisting that she be addressed and introduced as Countess Luann. Even the poor waitstaff were not immune; she wanted them to address her as Countess even though they were already saying ma'am and Mrs.
A friend introduced me to "Dr. So-n-So" at an event the other day. When I asked what type of medicine he practiced, he said he was a Phd. I was very surprised, especially when he told me he had defended a few years ago. I understand the novelty of using the Dr title immediately after completing one's Phd, but I'd never encountered someone using it regularly, unless they were a medical doctor.
Personally, I'm all for using whatever title you want--especially if you've worked hard to achieve it but if you do, recognize that it may come off as pretentious and overbearing. Titles aren't just important for books.
Here are a couple great resources on title protocol.
Everything you need to know about titles from Emily Post:
http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles
The proper way to address correspondence:
http://www.artisticaddressing.com/Etiquette.htm#TITLES
A friend introduced me to "Dr. So-n-So" at an event the other day. When I asked what type of medicine he practiced, he said he was a Phd. I was very surprised, especially when he told me he had defended a few years ago. I understand the novelty of using the Dr title immediately after completing one's Phd, but I'd never encountered someone using it regularly, unless they were a medical doctor.
Personally, I'm all for using whatever title you want--especially if you've worked hard to achieve it but if you do, recognize that it may come off as pretentious and overbearing. Titles aren't just important for books.
Here are a couple great resources on title protocol.
Everything you need to know about titles from Emily Post:
http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles
The proper way to address correspondence:
http://www.artisticaddressing.com/Etiquette.htm#TITLES
Jul 13, 2012
#289: Drop It Like It's Hot (Friday, July 13)
Name-dropping: the studied but seemingly casual mention of prominent persons as associates done to impress others. -Miriam Webster
As a self-diagnosed sufferer of social anxiety, it's not unusual to find me at a party, propping up the wall or observing the general ebb and flow of things from a corner. Unfortunately, those fringe locations are fertile grounds for those seeking socially awkward people like myself who would seemingly be impressed with their bragging.
Recently, I found myself the unwilling participant in a conversation with one of these name droppers. He proceeded to tell me about his frequent trips to the Hamptons, the celebrities he knew and which of their homes he'd slept in, even pulling out his phone to show me that he had a couple of their numbers--"their personal cell phone numbers"--and could call at any time.
When he finally tired of bragging long enough to ask me what I did and I told him, he promised to connect with me on LinkedIn. That night, I got an email message from him. Turns out we are in the same field and he was "between jobs" and wanted to know if I knew of any opportunities. Imagine that. All those "close" celebrity "friends" and he was still unemployed.
Needless to say, I was not inclined to introduce him to any of my contacts, because I was fearful that he would be just as obnoxious to them as he'd been to me.
Ninety percent of the time, name dropping is dispicable and makes you look like a tool. But there are a FEW times when it can actually be beneficial if done in a SUBTLE way:
Networking/Finding a Job: Use it to establish mutual relationships, or as a conversation starter. Examples: "Oh, you work at XYZ? I have a great friend--John Doe--who works there too. Do you know him?"
"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Obama. My mentor, Jane Doe, sends her regards."
Access: Get a table at a crowded restaurant or get into an exclusive club or secure a meeting with a busy executive who would otherwise have no time for you.
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't make a reservation, but Jane said it'd be ok to just come by."
"I don't know Miss Winfrey personally, but my Gail is my godmother and she gave me this number and told me to call."
Remember, delivery is everything!
As a self-diagnosed sufferer of social anxiety, it's not unusual to find me at a party, propping up the wall or observing the general ebb and flow of things from a corner. Unfortunately, those fringe locations are fertile grounds for those seeking socially awkward people like myself who would seemingly be impressed with their bragging.
Recently, I found myself the unwilling participant in a conversation with one of these name droppers. He proceeded to tell me about his frequent trips to the Hamptons, the celebrities he knew and which of their homes he'd slept in, even pulling out his phone to show me that he had a couple of their numbers--"their personal cell phone numbers"--and could call at any time.
When he finally tired of bragging long enough to ask me what I did and I told him, he promised to connect with me on LinkedIn. That night, I got an email message from him. Turns out we are in the same field and he was "between jobs" and wanted to know if I knew of any opportunities. Imagine that. All those "close" celebrity "friends" and he was still unemployed.
Needless to say, I was not inclined to introduce him to any of my contacts, because I was fearful that he would be just as obnoxious to them as he'd been to me.
Ninety percent of the time, name dropping is dispicable and makes you look like a tool. But there are a FEW times when it can actually be beneficial if done in a SUBTLE way:
Networking/Finding a Job: Use it to establish mutual relationships, or as a conversation starter. Examples: "Oh, you work at XYZ? I have a great friend--John Doe--who works there too. Do you know him?"
"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Obama. My mentor, Jane Doe, sends her regards."
Access: Get a table at a crowded restaurant or get into an exclusive club or secure a meeting with a busy executive who would otherwise have no time for you.
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't make a reservation, but Jane said it'd be ok to just come by."
"I don't know Miss Winfrey personally, but my Gail is my godmother and she gave me this number and told me to call."
Remember, delivery is everything!
Jul 6, 2012
#288: TMI (Friday, July 6)
“...we can get caught up with the idea that we must embellish our conversations with lots of personal details... What we often fail to consider is how these thoughts are received by another person." - Jay Remer, the Etiquette Guy
In the last few weeks, I've been a few situations where people share too much information (TMI). There is a fine line between being an honest, open communicator and TMI. A very fine line. Unfortunately electronic communications and social media only make it worse, since you are unable to gauge the other party's response to your TMI.
It may not be intuitive, but sharing TMI is also poor etiquette. Etiquette is about being thoughtful and considerate; TMI can make another person feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and can often change the general mood.
So what constitutes TMI? It depends on the situation and the context. What might be TMI in one situation, could be perfectly normal in another. Generally speaking, I think it depends on three factors:
In the last few weeks, I've been a few situations where people share too much information (TMI). There is a fine line between being an honest, open communicator and TMI. A very fine line. Unfortunately electronic communications and social media only make it worse, since you are unable to gauge the other party's response to your TMI.
It may not be intuitive, but sharing TMI is also poor etiquette. Etiquette is about being thoughtful and considerate; TMI can make another person feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and can often change the general mood.
So what constitutes TMI? It depends on the situation and the context. What might be TMI in one situation, could be perfectly normal in another. Generally speaking, I think it depends on three factors:
- Who's around. An embarrassing story shared with your close friends may not be TMI, but add a few strangers (or a couple work colleagues) and it changes the story altogether.
- Where you are. A story shared on Facebook/Twitter is different from one shared in a close setting. With social media, the important "backstory" can sometimes get lost, or it can be subject to misinterpretation.
- The relevance. This one's a little tricky, because your anecdote could be relevant and still be TMI, but it may be received a bit better if it's on topic rather than TMI that has nothing to do with what's being discussed.
So before you share something in a mixed crowd, ask yourself these questions: 1) Would I be embarrassed if this story were repeated to someone I don't know, or to my boss? 2) Why am I sharing this information? 3) Could this be misinterpreted?
Think before you speak/type.
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