#274: You Know Better! (Friday, March 30)

I once heard Russell Simmons make a statement, "Those who know better, do better." At first I agreed, but then I thought of many instances where people know what the right thing to do is, but ignore it. For many of us, there are things that have been ingrained in  us from birth, by parents, grandparents and social norms. Here are a few that I learned growing up that will stick with me, no matter what:

1. "Never go anywhere with your two hands swinging." It means that you shouldn't show up to someone's house empty-handed. Whether it be a basket of fruit, a drink, some dessert--you should always bring something.
2. "Always say thank you." I got a gift from one of my aunts once and forgot to send her a thank you letter. She casually mentioned it to my dad. Let's just say I haven't forgotten since. LOL.
3. "Notify others when you're in town." A (non-Caribbean) friend of mine visiting New York said he wasn't going to call his sister who lived here because he wouldn't have time to see her. I had never heard such a thing in my life. Even if there's no possibility of seeing your relatives, in my culture you still need to call if you're in their general area.
4. "Respect your elders." Growing up, I could never address an adult by their first name. It didn't matter if they were 25 or 85. It had to be Mr., Miss, Mrs., Auntie or Uncle. Even now when I visit, I still address older adults the same way. Children couldn't sit on the bus if adults (especially older adults) were standing; it was a sign of disrespect and a clear indication that you weren't raised properly.

What etiquette lessons have been ingrained in you since birth? Are you still practicing them today?

#273: A Gift for You (Friday, March 23)

I love giving gifts to my friends...but I'm horrible at it. Even though I generally have the gift prepared in advance, I feel uncomfortable presenting it in a group setting. So I wait until a more appropriate time and before I know it, a year has passed and I've forgotten to send the gift. Here are some wonderful gift-giving etiquette tips that you should keep in mind.

If you're the giver:

• DON'T give wine or alcohol to someone you don't know well. They may have some moral objection to drinking or may be a recovering alcoholic.
• DON'T give cash unless it's to a family member or someone you know really well or for acceptable situations such as weddings, etc. It's considered a lazy gift.
• DON'T bring a gift to a party if the invitation expressly says not to do so. It's a blatant disregard of the host's wishes, and is also obnoxious to those who obeyed instructions.
• DO make every effort to deliver the gift promptly. Although everyone likes receiving gifts, it's always more considerate to deliver the gift on or near to the occasion for which it was intended.
• DO ensure that you have sufficient funds in your account if you're making a monetary gift. Keep in mind that some people may take a few weeks to deposit monetary gifts, especially in the case of weddings when the couple is going on an extended honeymoon.
• DO include a gift receipt for store bought items. This enables the recipient to exchange for a different color or size without having to contact you.

If you're the recipient:

• DO acknowledge receipt of the gift and thank the giver. In person, via telephone call or via thank you note are the preferred methods. If sending a thank you note, personalize it for the person receiving it.
• DO be a gracious gift recipient. Even if the gift you receive is not to your taste, there is no need to inform the giver and a thank you is still necessary.
• DON'T ask for a monetary gift for your wedding/bridal shower. It's also rude to specify what you would like as a gift, unless you're asked for recommendations.
• DON'T feel the need to reciprocate if someone gives you a gift. Thanking the person is sufficient.

Are you up on your gifting etiquette? Take this quiz and find out!

#272: A Simple Acknowledgement (Friday, March 16)

Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. - 101 Simple Truths We Often Forget (#94)

I was raised in a culture where you acknowledge other people, even strangers. Not doing so would be considered impolite, but would also be a reflection of how you were raised. Coming to the US was definitely a transition. I discovered that my friendly overtures were often ignored or were not returned with the same zeal. But acknowledging others around you is just a simple way to stay connected to other people and it costs nothing. Consider these tips:

• When entering a small, enclosed space (a meeting, or a doctor's waiting room, or the pantry at work) always greet those that are already there.
• If you are attending a small meeting and there are people you do not know, introduce yourself. Do not wait for the meeting to begin before acknowledging those in the room with you.
• If you catch a stranger's eye, it is considered polite to smile or give some other gesture of acknowledgment.
• Your greeting should be appropriate for the relationship (handshake, kiss on the cheek, hug, etc.)
• Your handshake should be firm and strong. Nothing is more offputting than a weak handshake.
• Children are people too and should also be included in a greeting.
• Know the cultural implications of greetings if you plan to travel, or if you will be in a situation outside of the standard customs. For example, in some cultures, it is considered offensive not to greet in the order of importance/seniority. In other cultures, you have to wait to be introduced.

#271: What's In A Name? (Friday, March 9)

My name has four variations and generally my environment determines which name I use. I used to only go by Deborah in formal or professional situations, but someone at work arbitrarily shortened my name to Deb and started referring to me as such in meetings so it became easier to just answer than correct everyone. Mine is a common story; I have two foreign-born friends who, until recently, spent their entire professional careers being called by the wrong name, even introducing themselves incorrectly.

Believe it or not, there is an etiquette to names. Plus it's thoughtful to make sure you're addressing someone by the name they prefer. Here are some guidelines:

• Pay attention to how someone introduces themselves; use the name they provide in an introduction.
• Do not arbitrarily shorten someone's name without their permission.
• If someone has a name with variations (Robert, William, David, Jennifer, Catherine, etc.) always ask how they prefer to be addressed.
• If your close friends have nicknames, ask them how they want to be introduced to people outside of your circle. Never introduce someone by a nickname unless they indicate it's ok to do so.
• It is impolite to ask someone the ethnic origin of their name in a first meeting.
• It is also impolite to share your opinion on the name(s) expectant parents choose for their prospective child(ren) unless you are asked. For example, don't say: My ex-girlfriend's name was Susan and she was a jerk.
• It is flattering to remember someone's name, but understandably some people aren't good with names. Do mental word associations (or ask someone for the spelling of their name) to help you commit it to memory. For example, if someone says their name is Steve, you can associate it with Steve Jobs.

#270: Sometimes You're Meant to Be Hidden (Friday, March 2)

Some people love the spotlight; others not so much. Whether or not you enjoy the spotlight, it is important to recognize that sometimes things are meant to be private. Consider the following common etiquette mistakes that many people make in situations that were meant to be private:

• Speakerphone: Putting someone on speakerphone without asking their permission or notifying them at the onset of the call is inconsiderate. The person on the other end may have some expectation of privacy and may relay confidential information without knowing that others are listening. Plus, background noises are often magnified on speakerphone, which may interfere with the person's ability to hear what you're saying, or s/he may simply be hard of hearing and unable to hear you over speakerphone.
• Email: Email is an etiquette landmine, especially for things that were meant to be private. Never forward an email on to someone else before checking its contents. Make sure that there is no confidential, harmful or other language that the sender intended only for you. Use the "Reply All" function judiciously; I generally don't use it unless I know all the recipients on the email. The same rationale applies to the "BCC" feature, and probably even more so since it's a hidden field. You should make it a habit to check the top of your email to see how you are listed, and reply accordingly.
• Confidential Conversations: Don't repeat or allude to confidential information, even among mutual friends or if you suspect that the person you're speaking to already knows the secret. It's the foundation for gossip and hearsay.

Remember, sometimes things are meant to be hidden. I'm not a Tyler Perry fan, but I definitely agree with this message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7RUXQ6GDJw