#296: Can You Keep A Secret? (Friday, August 31)

"Secrets are lies." 

I've that saying often, but I don't agree. A secret isn't always deceptive; it can just be sensitive information that one prefers to share selectively. Is there an etiquette to sharing and keeping secrets? Everyone I asked seemed to have a different perspective on the subject. I actually had some great discussions, so I'm sharing the best questions and giving my perspective.  

• Do I have to specifically state that the information I'm sharing is a secret or should it be understood from the content? Specifically state it. Say it often while you divulge your secret. And I don't think it's going too far to make 'em swear not to to repeat it. 
• Do I have to keep a secret forever, or does it have an expiration date? It depends. If you snuck out of the house at 14 to go to a concert and swore your best friend to secrecy I think it's pretty safe to say that secret expired when you became an adult.
• If I'm no longer friends with someone, do I still have to keep their secret? You don't have to, but it's the right thing to do. Friends or not, the information they shared with you is still private. Besides, what is the purpose of divulging that information?
• Is it assumed that a secret shared with a friend is also shared with their spouse? Yes. It may not be right, but it happens. The foolproof way to avoid this? Don't share information with your married friends that you don't feel comfortable sharing with their spouse.
• If a friend shares a secret that doesn't affect me but affects people I know should I tell? It depends on many things: your role, whether lives are at stake, etc. Some jobs (therapist, officer of the court) obligate you to share a secret if lives are in jeopardy.

THE BOTTOM LINE:
Don't share information that's not yours to share. Be careful who you trust with your secrets. Recognize that some secrets cannot be kept if they pose a threat/harm to others. At the end of the day, if someone shares a secret with you, it's because they trust you. Is it worth losing their trust?

#295: Give Credit Where Credit Is Due (Friday, August 24)

As a writer, one of the most objectionable things is to learn that someone has plagiarized or has taken credit for someone else's work. Not only is it dishonest, it's also unkind not to recognize those who have contributed to something you are presenting as your own.

I've been the victim of the "credit-hog" many times. In fact, I sent my first freelance pitch to a "friend" who was an assistant editor at a magazine and never heard back, but read my pitch idea with my unique spin in the magazine a couple months later. But while some people will loudly proclaim their contributions and let the world know that they did all the work, I'm firmly of the opinion that cream rises to the top. In my mind, it will only be a matter of time before the credit-hog has to prove his/her own salt without your help. So...

If you've been the victim of a credit-hog:

• Speak to the credit-hog directly; it could have been an honest oversight.
• If you discover that you were not intentionally given credit, take the higher road.
• Don't broadcast that your contributions were not recognized, but if you feel the need to let others know, there are subtle ways to do so. ("When Jane and I were crunching the numbers for Project X, I thought that one outlier was odd.")
• Make a mental note. There will be a next time.

If you're the credit-hog:

• And you're doing it intentionally, STOP NOW. You're not making any friends.
• If you unintentionally forget to give someone credit, acknowledge it immediately to the person you forgot as well as to anyone who might need to know. It's never too late to send an email. ("I completely forgot that Sally did the numbers for this project and did a FANTASTIC job!")

As a general rule, always source quotations, statistics and other data that you didn't create or research. And always remember to thank anyone who helped you on a project. It builds goodwill for the next time.

#294: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Friday, August 17)

People throw around the word "respect" but I think for many people, it's overused. That's because "respect" means different things to different people. For some, it means to be honored and esteemed; for others, it just means acknowledgement; still others see respect as reciprocity--treat me the way I treat you.

Whatever your definition of respect, remember:

• Respect goes beyond the obvious.  Sometimes you can be disrespectful and not even know it.
• It's subjective. 
• It's not always reciprocal. The old saying "you have to give respect to get respect" isn't always true. Just because you respect someone doesn't mean they'll respect you back. 
• Respect isn't requested; it's given. If you have to ask for someone's respect, should they even be part of your circle?
• Children deserve respect too.

#293: Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail (Friday, August 10)

Earlier in the year in Good Friday #265, I spoke about the protocol for when plans change. But planning also requires a high level of thoughtfulness. Although spontaneity is a good thing, some things need a plan--moving, a wedding, starting a new job--especially when your plan involves others. Here are some things to consider when making a plan that includes others:

• What would I want to know about this event/outing?
• Have those details been included in the invitation or sent to all participants?
• Are there special requirements for anyone that I'm inviting (someone on crutches who needs to attend an event in a building with no elevator)?
• Is the event convenient for most of the people in attendance, or only for a select few?
• Do I need a Plan B (if the weather isn't as expected or the original plan isn't working)?

Remember, the goal is to be thoughtful, consider everyone's perspective and make sure everyone feels included at the event.

#292: Can I Get Some Feedback? (Friday, August 3)

constructive criticism: advice that is useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible solutions -Dictionary.com


When someone asks for your feedback, it's usually because they respect your opinion and judgement. So, when you provide it, it's important to do so in a sensitive and respectful way:

• Accentuate the positive. Don't just focus on what's wrong, also appreciate what's right.
• Provide options. It's easy to tell someone what's wrong with their work. It's much harder to provide options to fix it.
• Suggest, don't tell. Suggestions are usually received better than orders.

And if you're the one asking for the feedback, you're not exempt from the rules:

• Don't take it personal. Chances are, you've asked for feedback from someone you respect and who has your best interest at heart. Consider their feedback objectively.
• Use it or lose it. Someone has taken time to review your work. Don't disregard their feedback. Very few people are willing to constantly give feedback if they know you won't use it.

Remember, the key element in "constructive criticism" is to offer possible solutions.