Good Friday #623: The Kids Are Not Alright (Friday, December 14)

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I lost my everything. Jason was my everything and he was everything to everyone else. I was happy to share him, because he was the most giving and selfless person I have ever met. I am the luckiest woman alive to have been able to have him as a partner for five years, almost two as a husband. We had such a loving relationship right to the end. I wish I knew the signs of depression before hand, but jason hid them so well from me. All the while he was still loving, still caring, still eating dinners that I prepare and enjoying them, still telling me he loved me, still rubbing my belly and talking to pebbles. And inside he was dealing with something that he didn't want me to know about. I noticed in the last two weeks of his life he was getting a bit quiet and withdrawn I kept asking him are you ok, you are sleeping a lot, remember I am here for you, anything you need, you can talk to me, thats why I am here. My questions were always met with a smile and a reassurance that he is fine, just a bit tired. I miss him more than words can express, I am saddened that I couldn't have helped him, I am saddened that he felt he had no way out but death My beautiful husband did not deserve to die like that. He was such a perfect soul, it pains me to know that he wanted to shield me from what he was going through instead of giving me some of his burden to carry, I would have carried it all for him. I think if I wasn't pregnant he probably would have confided in me, because he tells me everything and anything that bothers him he would say "baby me have a vibes fi show u" and we would discuss it and give each other advice and move on. I miss him, pebbles misses his rubs and his voice, I would get the most kicks from her when Jason was driving us around in his van, and I know Dino and Zevi can feel the loss of his presence. We were his core, he always said I was the one part of his life that brought him peace and calm and relaxation, we never had a quarell, never had a fight, even when we disagreed on an issue it was resolved in seconds, because my purpose was to keep him happy and his purpose was to keep me happy. That was our marriage motto.

A post shared by Chantay Neil (@365_living) on Dec 6, 2018 at 2:16pm PST