#300: A Word to the Outspoken (Friday, September 28)

"Providing the raw truth is hard. It's easy to be mean." - The Art of Being A Dick

I found this great blog post about the difference between being mean and being honest. The author makes some great points, but I think a lot of times people do say mean and hurtful things things under the guise of being outspoken.

You can tell the truth and be outspoken without being mean. But the question you should ask yourself one question: "Is it necessary to say what's on my mind at the risk of offending/hurting someone else?"

Sometimes, you gotta pick your battles.

#299: Why Can't We Be Friends? (Friday, September 21)

I got an odd email from a friend this week. She wanted to know if it was ok to contact another friend of mine to go to an event (they live in the same neighborhood). I thought it was odd since I was the one who introduced them and was there when they exchanged contact information which is usually the precursor to getting together.

I understand that my friend was being polite and respectful by checking with me, but at the same time, I don't think that is a scenario that requires my permission. I took to the internet to see if I could find some expert opinions on this topic and was surprised that many of the articles used the term "friend poaching" and "friend theft" to describe all situations where someone befriends a friend's friend--even in those (like mine) where they were introduced by a mutual friend and established a connection. One blog writer even drew up her own bylaws on the topic.

Here's my take:

• Befriending someone you've never met or interracted with (i.e. trolling your friends' friend list on Facebook) is inappropriate...and a llittle creepy.
• If you are interested in meeting someone you don't know, but you have friends in common, ask for an introduction.
• Once you have been introduced, you do not need to ask your mutual friend for permission to interact socially, but if you're interested in a romantic relationship, then it's considered polite and respectful to discuss it with your mutual friend before pursuing it.
• If you have introduced two mutual friends and they have established a connection, you cannot control the development of a subsequent friendship (nor should you be held responsible if they end up squabbling).

 Now go out there and make some friends!

#298: 212 Degrees (Friday, September 14)

At 211 degrees, water is hot.
At 212 degrees, it boils.
And with boiling water, comes steam.
And steam can power a locomotive.
One extra degree... makes all the difference.
-The Extra Degree

Sometimes all it takes is that extra degree of effort and consideration to be the difference. A thank you to the bus driver who got you safely to your destination. Helping someone carry their bags down the stairs, even if it'll mean you'll miss your train. Sharing your umbrella with a stranger who is waiting beside you outdoors. Going out of your way to be kind to someone who didn't show you the same courtesy. Offering your seat to someone who has just as many bags as you do.

These are things that you don't have to do. But doesn't it feel good to know that you've made someone's day a little brighter with just one extra degree of effort?

How will you use your extra degree?

Good Friday #297: What the $@#&%?! (Friday, September 7)

"Intelligent people have a choice of  words, so use your options..."

- Anna Post, great-great-grandaughter of etiquette expert, Emily Post

It's often been said that consistent usage of profanity is usually an indication of limited vocabulary and low reasoning skills. Although that might not true in every situation, it may explain why some people choose to curse in normal everyday conversation.

A couple months ago, I was suprised when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, referred to Senator Paul Sarlo as an "arrogant S.O.B." I waited for the backlash, but none came. In fact, Christie's now known for that sort of thing. I'm not sure if it's that our society is just more comfortable with cursing as a part of everyday life, or it's just that there's so much namecalling in politics nowadays that it escaped the general public attention.

Either way, I think unwarranted profanity--especially in your professional life--is the wrong way to go. So what determines whether profanity is "warranted", you ask? It's entirely subjective, but a few common sense examples:

• Environment: Foul-mouthed expression when you're out with your friends at a bar may be ok; in the confines of an office/professional setting? Not so much.
• Familiarity: Is that the first impression you want to leave with a stranger or someone you don't know very well? 
• Culture

And if you don't want to take my word for it, check out this article which says 1/2 of managers are less likely to promote someone who curses on the job. But to be fair, there's also another perspective.

#296: Can You Keep A Secret? (Friday, August 31)

"Secrets are lies." 

I've that saying often, but I don't agree. A secret isn't always deceptive; it can just be sensitive information that one prefers to share selectively. Is there an etiquette to sharing and keeping secrets? Everyone I asked seemed to have a different perspective on the subject. I actually had some great discussions, so I'm sharing the best questions and giving my perspective.  

• Do I have to specifically state that the information I'm sharing is a secret or should it be understood from the content? Specifically state it. Say it often while you divulge your secret. And I don't think it's going too far to make 'em swear not to to repeat it. 
• Do I have to keep a secret forever, or does it have an expiration date? It depends. If you snuck out of the house at 14 to go to a concert and swore your best friend to secrecy I think it's pretty safe to say that secret expired when you became an adult.
• If I'm no longer friends with someone, do I still have to keep their secret? You don't have to, but it's the right thing to do. Friends or not, the information they shared with you is still private. Besides, what is the purpose of divulging that information?
• Is it assumed that a secret shared with a friend is also shared with their spouse? Yes. It may not be right, but it happens. The foolproof way to avoid this? Don't share information with your married friends that you don't feel comfortable sharing with their spouse.
• If a friend shares a secret that doesn't affect me but affects people I know should I tell? It depends on many things: your role, whether lives are at stake, etc. Some jobs (therapist, officer of the court) obligate you to share a secret if lives are in jeopardy.

THE BOTTOM LINE:
Don't share information that's not yours to share. Be careful who you trust with your secrets. Recognize that some secrets cannot be kept if they pose a threat/harm to others. At the end of the day, if someone shares a secret with you, it's because they trust you. Is it worth losing their trust?