#282: How Did You Get Here? (Friday, May 25)

Even in today’s work world, technical skills and knowledge represent less than 15 percent of one’s value in obtaining a job, keeping a job or advancing in a job, according to research done by Harvard University, the Carnegie Foundation and the Stanford Research Institute. Meanwhile, more than 85 percent of job success is based on personal conduct (“soft skills”) and the ability to put others at ease. - Diane Gottman, Who Is Your Child's Role Model?

Most people acquire their manners and cues on how to behave in social situations from their parents (or the person who raised them). Chances are, it was your nurturer who probably taught you how to greet strangers, or showed you how to use a knife and fork, or chastised you when you did something inappropriate like interrupt an adult conversation.

But what happens when the person responsible for imparting the social graces doesn't know what's appropriate, has forgotten, or comes from a culture where the etiquette rules differ? Many parents don't realize it, but they are the first line of defense to ensure that the children they raise become respectful, thoughtful adults.

Sure, most parents teach their children to say "please", "thank you", "I apologize", "excuse me" and "Good morning/good evening", but lately I've met more children who do very little more than that, which, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't even scratch the surface of basic etiquette rules:

• Address adults with an appropriate title (Mr./Miss/Mrs.; Sir/Ma'am; etc.)
• Stand when greeting an adult
• Make eye contact
• Say excuse me before interrupting a conversation
• Do not act up when in public
• Keeping in touch with family and friends
• Thanking family and friends for gifts received via mail

I was happy to find an entire site on Parenthood.com dedicated to Parenting Etiquette. It's a great read.  Early Lessons Have Lasting Impact, Manners for Girls (especially the tip about the handshake!), Minding Your Pregnancy Manners and The Art of the Thank-You Note are just a few of my favorites. Definitely recommend bookmarking the site if you're a parent.

#281: The "Rules" of Friendship (Friday, May 18)

When I was doing research for this blog entry, I came across a response to a blog entitled, The Etiquette of Friendship, in which the commenter said:

Here is a general rule of thumb in regards to friendship ettiquette..."Try not to be a complete and utter ass". Rule 2. "If you have acted like a compete and utter ass, apologize and don't do it again". Rule 3 "If your friend keeps acting like a complete and utter ass, even after apologizing it, re-examine the friendship" Pretty simple huh?

While I agree that there aren't necessarily formalized rules of friendship, there are still some basic etiquette rules that should be observed in a friendship. And because our friends are our most casual, at-will relationships, they are generally most susceptible to be taken for granted. We get comfortable, we tend to bend the rules and forget that the considerations that we apply to the rest of the world should also be afforded to our friendships. Here are my three basic rules of friendship:

1. Friendship should be a safe space. Yes, we all have different categories of friends who we call for various reasons, but if you call someone a friend, you should feel comfortable being yourself around him/her.
2. It should be based on mutual respect. It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone you don't respect or vice versa. This includes respect for your friends' time by not being consistently late or canceling plans at the last minute, as well as respecting who they are, even if it's not who you want them to be.
3. Friendship should be balanced. You can't expect your friends to do for you what you are unwilling to do for them. This applies to everything from being open and vulnerable with your issues to being supportive and encouraging in difficult times.

Don't take you r friends for granted! The same etiquette rules you employ with the rest of the world also work with your friends. They may not need it, but it's always nice to do it anyway.

#280: Perception Is Reality (Friday, May 11)

First impressions are lasting ones and nothing contributes more to a first impression than how you look. As unfair as it seems, people form opinions (and biases) about you at first glance, so many people miss out on valuable opportunities before they've even open their mouths. Think about it: would you hire a personal trainer who was overweight, or a dentist with bad teeth?

The way you dress says a lot about who you are, so think about these tips every day when you get dressed:

1. Dress for the impression you want to give.
If you meet someone for the first time (whether it be a potential business acquaintance, significant other or employer), are you comfortable with the image you are presenting?
2. Ask about the dress code. If you are attending an event you should know how you are expected to dress. A good host will always provide guidelines, but if none are provided, proactively inquire and follow them!
3. "Comfortable" doesn't mean careless. Whenever you're told to dress comfortably, it doesn't mean you should let loose and wear whatever you want. You should always look as though you've put some thought into your look. 
4. Dress for the job you WANT, not for the job you HAVE. 
5. Look at the people you admire and respect and emulate them. We all need role models.
6. Remember cultural differences when traveling. 
7. When in doubt, it is better to be slightly overdressed than too casual. But never outshine the host (especially if it's a wedding!).

#279: Should Etiquette Trump Ethics? (Friday, May 4)

Although both etiquette and ethics both deal with behavior, the two are very different. Etiquette refers to society's rules and laws that govern polite behavior, while ethics refer to the personal moral rules that govern an individual's behavior. (The dictionary actually said an "individual or group's behavior", but methinks that one shouldn't be part of a group that conflicts with, or contradicts one's personal code of ethics.)

In a perfect world, both etiquette and ethics would coexist in perfect harmony--and they often do. But I''ve met many unprincipled individuals who know which fork to use with a salad and vice versa. Enough to know that sometimes you have to choose. Do you run the risk of being rude to or offending someone to stay true to your own personal principles, or do stay true to societal rules and guidelines?

For me there is no choice. In the absence of a solution that would allow me to be polite and ethical, ethics will always win. It's easier to teach a person to chew with their mouth closed, than it is to teach them how to stand for something.