#522: 2016, The Teacher (Friday, December 30)

We are at the last Friday in 2016, the year of facing/conquering fears. What a year of lessons it's been!

• I learned that fear keeps us stuck, but sometimes it also protects us
• I learned that sometimes you have no choice but to face your fear
• I learned that when you do, the reality is never as bad/difficult as you imagined
• I learned that there is no greater feeling of accomplishment and joy as when you face a fear and come out on the other side
• I learned that you don't have to conquer every fear you have, but at least acknowledge them and try

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE LESSONS YOU LEARNED ABOUT FEAR THIS YEAR?

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE FEARS YOU WERE ABLE TO FACE/CONQUER? Make a list, keep it somewhere visible and refer to it every time something makes you afraid.

Now give yourself a pat on the back! You deserve it. Here's to facing the fears of years to come.

#521: To Be 30 Again! (Friday, December 23)

If you could talk to your 30-year-old self, specifically about your fears, what would you say?

#520: Your Future is Waiting (Friday, December 16)

#519: Help, I'm Stuck! (Friday, December 9)

You have a plan.
You know what you need to do and how to get there.
You've started it and things are going, ok.
You know what the next step is...but for some reason,
You're stuck. Paralyzed with fear and afraid to take the next step in your amazing journey.
What do you do?

Visualize.
Think about the possible outcomes of that next step.
Play them out in your mind, then see which is the best option for you.
Then remain laser focused on that outcome.

Remember, anything stuck can also become unstuck.
Don't let fear keep you in a stagnant place.

#518: The First Time is Always Hard (Friday, December 2)

The first time you do anything is always hard. There's the uncertainty and trepidation of the unknown. But just remember you've had a lot of firsts in your life. And some of them were scary (walking, riding a bike, first day of school) but you may have been too young to remember. And the scary ones that you do remember (high school, college, first date, first kiss) you got through them.

Embrace the first time. Look at it as an opportunity to make memories.

#517: Your Inheritance (Friday, November 25)

Children are like sponges. They soak up everything they see and hear around them, even when you think they're not listening.

That includes fear. The things that you're afraid of, that you worry about, that you dislike - you can inadvertently them pass on to your kids.

Is that the inheritance you want to give them?

#516: History Repeats Itself? (Friday, November 18)

Earlier this week, I went into Bath & Body Works to pick up a few essentials. I'd grabbed about four items, when an associate came over and asked me if I wanted a bag.

The last time I'd gone into the store and gotten a bag, I had used it to accidentally knock over a display of shower gels and hand sanitizers, which created such a scene. I was afraid of the same thing happening again.

So I declined the bag and continued shopping. Unfortunately, my hands couldn't hold everything and one of the bottles - the glass one - fell and shattered across the floor.

The associate who had offered me the bag couldn't disguise her annoyance. Not only did I cost them product, now she would have to clean up my mess and avoid someone else slipping in it. I felt terrible.

If I had taken the bag, I would have been much more aware of myself and distance to the display to avoid knocking things over. By succumbing to my fear, I had created a situation that was much worse.

Moral: Don't be afraid of making the same mistakes, or being hurt, or being in an unpleasant situation  twice. History doesn't repeat itself if you make decisions based on experience and information the second time around.

#515: We Gon Be Alright (Friday, November 11)

"...When you know, we been hurt, been down befo'...
When my pride was low, lookin' at the world like, 'where do we go?'
...
I'm at the preacher's door
My knees gettin' weak, and my gun might blow, but we gon' be alright..."

-Kendrick Lamar, We Gon' Be Alright

When one of your greatest fears is realized, remember one thing: it didn't kill you, you are still here, so you will be alright. :)

#514: Controlla (Friday, November 4)

We've all been micro managed before. And whether it's being done professionally or personally, it's no less irritating.

I used to be annoyed by micro managers because I thought they were doing it on purpose, and it was due to a lack of trust in me. 

But trust is only a part of it. The other part? Control.

Some people are just afraid to lose, relinquish or not have control. So it manifests itself in other ways, such as micro management/obsession with the minutia.

If you're one of those people who hate to not be in control, the fact of the matter is that you can't control every situation. No matter how much you plan and prepare and harp on the details, something will always be outside of your purview. 

Pick a project, pick an event, pick a situation and Just. Let. Go. The world will not end.

#513: To-Do List (Friday, October 28)

There's nothing like the feeling of crossing things off a to-do list. So make one; but instead of writing a list of errands, write down your fears.

Then, have at it.

#512: Selfie (Friday, October 21)

Our culture is so focused on self - taking the right selfie; posting one's every move, thought and emotion online. Most of what we do these days seems to scream, "Look at me! Look at me! Look how cool my life is."

Yet, under it all, most people have a fear of the real selfie. The one where you expose the good, bad and ugly truths about yourself and confront them. Most people aren't willing (or brave enough) to peel back the exterior and look behind the pictures with awesome makeup and perfect hair to see who they really are.

Who are you when you're alone and no one's watching? Are you comfortable with that person and showing him/her to others? Do those closest to you know who you are? (And I mean really know who you are; not the PR version.) Can you acknowledge your flaws and failures with equal pomp and circumstance as you do your triumphs and successes?

Self exploration is the real frontier.

#511: The Pavlovian Antidote (Friday, October 14)

We've been conditioned not to trust. Don't talk to strangers. Nothing's free. And so on, and so forth.

In today's world, it's hard to trust people; it's just the way things are. But mistrust breeds fear, and left unchecked, fear can easily turn into paranoia.

Fight how you've been conditioned. Give unfamiliar people and situations a chance (within reason, of course).

#510: A Date With Fear (Friday, October 7)

On last week's episode of one of my favorite podcasts (also available for Android), In the Conversation, the topic was fear (On A Date with Fear). 

Starting at 12:30, Vlad gets deep about fear...and it makes perfect sense. Which of your fears do you want to take on regular dates, sit with it and get to know it better in a controlled setting?

#509: Judgment Day (Friday, September 30)

Judge not lest ye be judged.

No matter how much we hear that statement, it's still human nature to judge others. Some people have such a fear of being judged that they become secretive or selectively share.

If you're being elicited as a confidante, try to be open-minded; do not judge too harshly. Envision yourself in the same situation seeking advice. How would you want to be treated? Treat the person on the other end the same way.

#508: Talk to Someone (Friday, September 23)

Fears are easier to manage when shared. Talk to someone - a friend or a professional - about the fears that cripple you and prevent you from being your best self.

#507: You May Come This Way Just Once (Friday, September 16)

When you travel you will often be faced with new experiences. Some of them you'll meet with great gusto, others will be intimidating. But if you for one moment consider passing on the experiences that make you uncomfortable, think about this: you may only pass this way once. So take full advantage of it, even the scary parts.

#506: "I Used to Fear You" (Friday, September 9)

"I used to fear you when I was a little kid. But I think that's part of the reason I turned out so well. When I was younger, some of my friends were friends with their parents. We weren't friends - and I don't mean that in a bad way - but there was always a line I was afraid to cross with you and daddy. And that fear kept me in check...and now we are friends and I appreciate it more."

I overheard the conversation above that a late teen was having with her mom on the train the other day. It made me smile; sometimes the best things can be born out of fear.

Remember that.

#505: Fear, Realized (Friday, September 2)

"There is no such thing as happiness, only happy moments." - A Friend

Someone shared this quote with me this week. And I suppose it can also apply to other emotions such and fear. Nothing is constant; so even when you have to confront your fears, it will always be, momentary.

Remember that and be brave.

#504: A Bigger Flash Drive (Friday, August 26)

DO NOT FEAR DYING

FEAR NOT LIVING

#503: This Is Me (Friday, August 19)

Don't be afraid to stand up and say to the world: "This is me!"

#502: Fear Makes You Lose Focus (Friday, August 12)

We've all seen the meme with Michael Phelps and his competitor. He was so fearful of losing that he lost focus on his race and became a self-fulfilling prophesy. There were many captions to that photo:

• Stay in your lane
• Winners focus on winning; losers focus on winners

But I think the moral is clear: when you focus on fear, there's no room to focus on anything else. Don't let fear sidetrack your focus; keep your eyes on the prize.

#501: Just Ask (Friday, August 5)

Afraid to ask for help or favors? Remember these three things:

1. What is already destined to be yours will be yours.

2. The fear of being perceived as silly/needy/any other adjective, for the most part, is self-inflicted. Most people in your circle are happy to help. Heck, most people outside of your circle are happy to help too, if you are specific about what you need. And if they're not...

3. The worst that could happen is that you ask and the answer is "no." And to my knowledge, no death certificate has ever been signed with the cause of death listed as "no" so life will go on. 

#500: No Fear (Friday, July 29)

What if you weren't afraid of anything? Not spiders, snakes, heights, dying...not even repercussions. How would that change your life?

If you're like me, you probably initially thought, "That would be a great thing!" but if you consider it more deeply, you'll probably realize that having no fear isn't the best case scenario.

Think about a time when you were in a dangerous situation. What made you choose the course of action that you did? It was probably your fear and it likely helped you successfully avoid that danger (or might have even saved your life).

People who have no fear may not have it as easy as you think.

#499: Do Not Fear the Sunk Costs (Friday, July 22)

In economics and business decision-making, a sunk cost is a cost that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered. 

In life, people sometimes let the fear of the sunk costs cripple them from moving forward. They feel like since they have already invested X amount of time, energy, money, etc. they should continue on the same path so as not to make the "loss" greater, or to make their investment thus far "worth it."

But do not fear the sunk costs. Don't let it keep you in a rut (or put you there). You can always change course and go a different route; it's never too late.

#498: How Badly Do You Want It? (Friday, July 15)

When it comes to fear, sometimes it's just a matter of how badly you want the thing that fear is keeping you from.

Scared of flying? How badly do you want to see the world?
Fear of failure? How badly do you want to succeed?
Afraid of public speaking? How badly do you need to get your message to the world?

Think about it...

#497: When Fear is the Norm (Friday, July 8)

"I live in fear every day. Every time I get in my car, I worry if today will be the day I get pulled over for a traffic violation and not make it home. I'm scared to fall asleep on the subway; to walk in certain neighborhoods late at night; to have even so much as a beer if I'm driving...I'm always afraid."

Since the beginning of the year, we've been talking about specific fears and how to overcome them. The fear of heights, of birds, of failure, of success, of dogs...

But not all fears are formulaic and fall into a neat little box. Sometimes you're in a constant state of fear - it becomes the norm and it controls every faction of your life.

And when you live in fear that your life will be taken away for just existing, that's something for which I don't have an answer.

#496: Mountain Dwellers (Friday, July 1)

Climbing the world's tallest peaks requires preparation. You have to build up your lung capacity over time. You can't just get up one day and decide that you're gonna climb Kilamanjaro - unless you're on of the people who was born on the mountain. Sometimes people prepare and they're still not able to make it to the top, not because of their willpower but because they simply weren't built to climb mountains.

So it is with life. Not everyone is meant to get to the mountain top. God made some of us with lung capacities and physical limitations that prevent us from getting to the top.

Sometimes fear isn't the reason.

#495: Short Hair, Don't Care (Friday, June 24)

Spontaneity is the enemy of fear. Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you do things spontaneously, without thinking them through, you defeat the fear that goes along with it?

It's like skydiving. The longer you stay on the plane and look out, the more nervous you become about jumping. Sometimes, it's better not to think so much!

Want to get a dramatic haircut? Go for it - it's hair, it'll grow back.
Have a place you've always wanted to go? Book the trip.

Take the plunge before you psych yourself out of it.

#494: We Be Growin' (Friday, June 17)

growth

[grohth] 

 

• Synonyms 
• Examples 
• Word Origin 

See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com

noun

1.

the act or process, or a manner of growing; development; gradualincrease.

2.

size or stage of development:

It hasn't yet reached its full growth.

3.

completed development.

4.

development from a simpler to a more complex stage:

the growth of ritual forms.

Many people fear change, but change is our friend. Change breeds creativity, flexibility and innovation...and it will happen whether you like it or not.

Growth, however, is optional. You choose whether you will develop from each change, or remain immovable.

#493: I'm In A Zone!* (Friday, June 10)

*The word "comfort" has been excluded from the title to make it snappier. Always read the fine print.

There's a saying that goes something like, "It's ok to go to your comfort zone, it's poisonous to stay there." We're all afraid to leave our comfort zones, because -- well, it's comfy. Here are six reasons to step out.

6 Reasons to Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

1. You will let perfection go
2. You will inspire others
3. You will have no regrets at the end
4. You will define yourself authentically
5. You will gain control
6. Your life experience will be fuller

Can I get an "Amen!" for #2 and #5.

Read the full article here, on Forbes.com.

#492: One Drop (Friday, June 3)

To the parents, teachers, spouses, friends, colleagues, managers - and anyone who fears that they may not be making the difference they had hoped in the world:

YOU ARE.

Fear not; for someone, you're the one drop that has started a ripple.

#491: What Is "Brave?" (Friday, May 27)

"There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear." - John Wainwright

"The ultimate definition of bravery is not being afraid of  who you are." -Chogyam Trungpa

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -Franklin P. Jones

"Bravery and stupidity are the same thing; the outcome determines your label." -Hayden Sixx


Score the internet and you'll find hundreds of definitions of bravery - and each one is different. Bravery means different things to different people. No one can define what bravery is (or should be) for you.

But you'll know when you're being brave and that's all that matters.

#490: Four Needs (Friday, May 20)

Everyone has needs - other than the basics - that need to be met in order to consider themselves as having led a great life.

What are those needs for you? Is it a great career? Making a lot of money? Becoming famous?

And what if those needs aren't met? The fear of discovering the answer to that question should motivate you every day to live your life in such a way that you'll never have to find out.

#489: Miss Understood (Friday, May 13)

In a perfect world, everyone would be able to guess what we're thinking; would clearly communicate their feelings; and you could tell right away when you'd hurt someone's feelings.

But we're not in a perfect world. And many times, things get misconstrued and build up into something disastrous - just from an innocent miscommunication that could have easily been cleared up.

Everyone wants to be understood, to know that people get who they are (especially people who've known them a long time). The best way to avoid misunderstandings is to be willing to be vulnerable and to commit to seeing things from the other person's perspective.

Here's to understanding.

#488: It's Simple Accounting, Really (Friday, May 6)

Every once in a while, you should audit your relationships (friendships, romantic liaisons, professional connections). Take stock of who you are in each of them and ask yourself: "Am I an asset or a liability?"

If you're an asset, is the value you offer to that relationship real or perceived? And by who's perception?

If you're a liability, then what can you do to change that? Is it a relationship worth salvaging, or is it time to move on?

It's simple accounting, really.

#487: No One Wants to Die Alone (Friday, April 29)

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important."

No one wants to die alone.

Yet it's something you can't control. You may have a significant other, a house full of kids, and people you see every day - and you could still die alone.

There are some fears that you can't control or completely eradicate. Sometimes you just need to accept that live your best, courageous life, in spite of it.

#486: Yay, Fear! (Friday, April 22)

Fight or flee? What decision do you make when you're in danger? Sometimes the decision to flee can help you avoid danger. In those situations, fear is helping to protect you from a dangerous encounter.

Fear's not all bad. Sometimes it can be a motivator to make positive change in your life or a protector from a harmful situation.

Yay, fear!

#485: FoMO (Friday, April 15)

In Marketing & Advertising, we use the term FoMO (Fear of Missing Out) to describe millennials who are prime targets for trendy advertising campaigns.

But that fear of missing out and the need to always be connected to what everyone else is doing means you're missing the moments that are happening right now, right here.

What about those moments? Aren't they important too?

#484: The Other F Word (Friday, April 8)

Charlie Rose: Did you know the shot was going in?
Villanova's Kris Jenkins: I think every shot I take is going in!

There's another F word that can be just as crippling as fear. It's failure. Combined, the two can render one immobile.

Watching the last few seconds of the March Madness final this week, you saw Jenkins take the shot like failure wasn't an option. And it wasn't - the highest award in college basketball was on the line.

Take the shot - and shoot like it's going in.

#483: You (Friday, April 1)

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." -Unknown

There's a group of people who don't know who they are. They've spent so much time being afraid to be themselves, pretending and showing different sides to different people, that they've lost who they really are.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. It would be a great tragedy if the thing that you - and only you - can offer to world should be buried forever because you are too scared to reveal it.

Be you - whether that's loud, annoying, quiet, shy, funny, corny, awkward, wild - and don't apologize for it.

#482: Ripping the Band Aid Off (Friday, March 25)

Avoiding fears only makes them scarier. Expose yourself to your fears often. 

Afraid of spiders? Go to the zoo at least once a month, visit the spider section, even if you don't look.

Scared of heights? Spend 5 minutes each week on the top floor of a tall building. Close your eyes and imagine you're some place else. Do it until you can open your eyes and look out.

#481: Bizarro You (Friday, March 18)

Remember the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine started hanging out with her Bizarro friends - three guys who were polar opposites of Jerry, Bizarro George and Bizarro Kramer? It's one of my favorite episodes.

Sometimes fear can create the Bizarro you. I've met people who don't drink because their parents were alcoholics and even go the extra mile to make sure you don't drink either; people who obsess about being thin - sometimes unhealthily so - because obesity runs in their family; and people who are so afraid of becoming something they perceive as undesirable, that they stray so far in the opposite direction.

Don't allow fear to create the Bizarro you.

#480: Flashback Friday (Friday, March 11)

Remember that time you were scared sh*tless about that thing, but you went ahead and did it anyway? Remember how good you felt AFTER you'd faced your fear?

Harness that feeling - that feeling of exuberance, accomplishment, badassness - and use it to help you face the next hurdle.

#479: The Snowflake That Started the Avalanche (Friday, March 4)

Sometimes when trying to face your fears, all you need to do is take one small step in their direction. The universe will conspire to give you what you need - courage, support, understanding - to confront your fears head on.

And once you make that tiny step, you'll be surprised easy it'll be to take another, and another, and another...until your journey to conquering your fear is complete.

#478: Enjoy the Love (Friday, February 26)

Fear magnifies when we're alone. Your thoughts can be the biggest hater (and the loudest negative voice) when you're by yourself.

So tap into your support system. Surround yourself with the people who will help you feel fearless and support you conquering your fears. Enjoy the love.

#477: What's the Worst That Could Happen? (Friday, February 19)

One of the best ways to conquer a fear is to reality check it. Ask yourself "What's the worst that could happen?" and answer the question.

Think of the most horrible possible outcome of trying to conquer your fear. What's the likelihood of the worst-case scenario happening? Chances are, it's probably very small - probably closer to 0% than 100%.

What's worse: not conquering your fear OR working to conquer your fear knowing that the worst possible outcome is highly unlikely?

#476: People Pleaser (Friday, February 12)

Sometimes we're so afraid of disappointing those we love, that we sometimes put our needs on the back burner.

We worry about the significant other, the parents, the kids, the boss, the friend, the sibling...but what about YOU?

Can you live with disappointing yourself in order to please others?

#475: Analysis Paralysis (Friday, February 5)

Do you overanalyze situations? Do you go back and forth between decisions, unable to make a choice? You might have a case of analysis paralysis.

Many people suffer from analysis paralysis - afraid to make the wrong decision, so they overthink and analyze and hypothesize until they've missed the window to make a choice.

Analysis paralysis is a lack of trust in yourself. In your ability to follow your intuition and make a decision. So don't be afraid to choose incorrectly - just make a decision and trust your gut.

#474: The Enablers (Friday, January 23)

en·a·bler

iˈnāblər,e-/

noun

1. a person or thing that makes something possible.

For some reason, an enabler is always seen as a negative person who supports bad behavior. But an enabler can also be positive. Everyone is put into our lives for a reason. 

1. Look at your list of fears and prioritize them.  
2. Now think about the people in your life and put them into two categories:
1. The people who help to promote/prolong the fear (Negative Enablers)
2. The people who can help you get over your fear (Positive Enablers)
3. For the Negative Enablers, let them know that the buck stops here. Be specific and tell them that you don't want to hear their negativity anymore regarding your fear.
4. For the Positive Enablers, ask for help. 

Fears, once confronted, aren't so bad.

#473: What Has Fear Cost You? (Friday, January 22)

There are probably some things you haven't done because you were afraid. What was the opportunity cost of your fears? I asked a few people what fear had cost them and here are some of their responses.

What has fear cost you? Make a list. Then decide if you're going to continue to miss out because you're afraid. There's still a chance to turn some of those things around.

#472: What Are You Afraid Of? (Friday, January 15)

As I said last week, you cannot conquer what you will not confront. But how do you know what to confront?

Do you know what you're afraid of - I mean really afraid of, or are your fears just theoretical ideas floating in the air?

Just like goals, I believe you have to name your fears. Write them down. Think about them logically: why does that thing scare you?

Then devise a strategy to help you conquer each fear.

#471: A Confrontation (Friday, January 8)

"You cannot conquer what you will not confront."

Some people can tackle any situation head on and clearly articulate their point without breaking a sweat. Others? Not so much.

If you're someone in the latter category, remember that sometimes a confrontation is necessary in order to fully address a situation.

Don't be afraid; confront, conquer and move on.

#470: Scaredy-Cat (Friday, January 1)

When was the last time you did something fearless? Do you remember what you did and better yet, how it made you feel? Invincible, I bet.

Fear can cripple you if you let it. So, don't let it!

I know it's not as simple as that. But you've gotta at least try. Confront the things that scare you, that you're afraid of. You'll find, in many cases, that the reality is never as bad as the thought of it.

So here's to a year of being unafraid. Here's to fearlessness in 2016.